Hello Bobspace: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Honestly I don't know what type of help I could offer. You've put up with all of this for 3 years. And you concluded your post saying your marriage is better than it was (although your wife is apparently still stepping out on you) & you won't consider divorce. It seems to me you've already decided to simply live with things the way they are... perhaps until your wife makes the decision to divorce you?

You wrote you do not like the idea your wife is in love with someone else & it messes you up inside. However you're afraid of divorce. So you will not get divorced. And you added it’s your fault your wife cannot have a guy friend and that you're not secure about it. She will make everybody think it’s your fault. And you don’t want that. So I take it from that what you're looking for here is advice on how to accept being taken advantage of basically. I don't know what type of advice would be useful for that.

Anyway... here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help in sorting this plus a link to Abe Kass's blog: "Surviving Infidelity":

Girls Gone Wild… Why Women Cheat

Those Cheating Hearts

How to Heal from Infidelity

Affair Recovery: Jealousy, Forgiveness and Building Trust

Now That You Know: 10 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

https://psychcentral.com/blog/gettin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-esse...rom-an-affair/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealing-with-betrayal/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...h-7-stressors/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infidelity/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.