I am reminded by a bit of wisdom an old AA sponsor shared with me in my younger days. He told me that expectations are resentments that haven't happened yet. I believe that is just about on the money.

You will fall in love with your son the moment you hold him and lay eyes on him. I truly believe that. In the mean time, I agree with the wise folks above that a therapist is required. I hope you can get one soon. All the best--