I will say, @mom2be2020
that I once dreamt about being a good, successful, caring mom to my daughter. But that dream fell away due to my mental illness. I gave my daughter up for adoption, an open adoption, and while I love her with all my heart, I'm nowhere near the mom she deserved. I wanted to be a mother so badly. I wanted to care for my daughter with all my heart, and to nurture her and raise her in a healthy environment. I didn't have the proper diagnoses and therefore the proper treatments at the time. And even if I did, I still wouldn't have had the resources. I would have been a struggling single mom with little income at the time, and I would still have this mental illness over my shoulders.
Society often weighs mothers down with guilt and shame, instead of seeing how much of a struggle it is for us to go through as humans. From everything being blamed on childhood experiences (not every mental illness or every aspect of mental illness is due to childhood experiences, btw), to mother-child relationships. It's as if all the responsibility falls on the mother - as opposed to including the father in such responsibilities. Gender roles cause us more pain than joy, it seems.
Our dreams stem from a place of obligation at times - obligation to fit a role within society, obligation to serve or to be served, obligation to be "successful," whatever that may mean, obligation to win favor or approval from others, obligation to perform a certain way. These obligations are so rigid that they leave little room for alternatives, individual differences, understanding, connections, belonging, and love.
I was harshly judged on many levels - from having a mental illness, from being a single parent for a short time, from trying as a single parent to giving my daughter up for adoption, from not being successful, from being too successful while disabled and without child, from being responsible for my unborn child while she was still in my womb (e.g., prenatal conditions, hereditary conditions), from being responsible for everything my daughter experiences from my actions with giving her up for adoption, from being responsible for my own shame as a victim of various traumas throughout my life, from not being strong enough to subdue my own emotions, from being too strong because I didn't show enough emotion, and the list goes on. This crazy-making stigma that women face only does us more harm and, by extension, our children's harm when mothers are not getting the support they need and deserve, especially from the "village" it takes to raise a child, the husbands who are supposed to be our "partners in parenting," and from acceptance as human beings and not just objects or trophies to procreate.
As I am about to enter into menopause, I consider the expired clock, the loss of my procreating role, the changed hormones, and the increased stigma placed on aging women, menopause, disability, mental illness, and more.
We're more than females who give birth to children, and we're more than the limitations society sets on us. We are human beings!
When I adjusted my own roles to fit within my own needs (not society's), I found peace. I found new dreams related to health, peace, understanding, self-care, and other-care. I found new ways to be content with what I have, and to move past the grief of all the losses I had experienced and perceived. I'm still struggling with all this, as most of us will struggle with one or more of these things throughout our various stages of life, but the point is that we are in this struggle together - as human beings.
To appreciate our children in the way that we, as women should be appreciated, is to understand that both women and children are not objects of procreation. We are ourselves individual human beings, no matter the gender, who deserve a life filled with happiness, wonder, health, love, and peace. We may experience hardships in life, but we can experience those hardships together. We support one another, and that is the best we can do, given the limitations of mankind and systemic problems.
As we tap into the genesis for our initial desires, we realize what really mattered to us. We then ask ourselves whether or not what really mattered to us ought to still matter today. In some cases, those things do matter - such as dreams to see society as a safer place, or to see ourselves as active participants in society in some way. We may not get the dream job, the dream house, the dream socioeconomic status, or the dream child, as some children are born with disabilities. Nevertheless, the mother, father, and child(ren) deserve support on individual and collective levels. Each are their own person, as opposed to extensions of the mother or the father.
Some people approach parenthood with the hope that their children will fulfill the dreams they weren't able to fulfill, which only adds further harm to both the parent with the unfulfilled wish and the child with the pressure to be anything different from what the child's individual needs are. Although some children will want to follow in their parents' footsteps or parents' desires of unfulfilled wishes, other children might not. It's important for parents to heal from their lost dreams, and it's important for children to be raised in a loving and freeing environment. Mothers are more than mothers; they are individual people who deserve love in return. For showering mothers with love will help them to be better mothers and individuals with roles beyond parenting. For children to see their parents in various roles is important, since they learn from the parent who is the parent, the parent who comes home from work or from shopping for household needs, the parent who holds fun hobbies alone and with the family, and the parent who has friends outside and within extended family. Children learn from their parents as individuals and teachers and friends and workers and more. We learn from our children, too.
Our children remind us about the energy we once had to explore all things new, to dream and dream some more, to play and make friends, to go through growing pains and overcome them, and to be vulnerable to those who can help us in times of need. Our children need us to be their leaders and teachers, their parents and protectors, their guides and mentors throughout life.
I may not be a mother, but I am a "bio mom" who cares, who understands, who takes responsibility for her own shortcomings, and who moves forward (even if it hurts).
My hope for you is that you are able to find freedom to deal with all of these changes with understanding, support, and love. My hope is that you can heal from whatever lies far below the surface, and that your pregnancy, birth, and family unit post-birth will bring you joy, fulfillment, love, and the kind of wonderful surprises that you never thought possible.
A therapist can help with some of that, but add to that support from your husband, your extended family, and your friends - that spells a recipe for healing and prospering.
You may grieve the losses that you've experienced and/or perceived, but you may also find new directions in life that far outweigh the pain of any losses.
Men are humans, too. Your husband was once a son who also deserved praise for him simply being human, like us women, who echo those needs to be human, too. Your son's needs are no different from the needs your husband has had throughout his life.
Maybe the needs between mother and father are different, insofar that the needs between female and male and otherwise (e.g., transgender) are different, but we are all human beings with individual needs, and those needs include love, understanding, and support.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best.
(((safe hugs))) 
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