I've been with my psychodynamic T for coming up on 2 years. I initially started seeing him for stress and anxiety. Eventually revelations of old traumas started escaping into the conversation and well, things got intense. And it's never really moved past that foundation of intensity.

This is not my first T. I've seen 5 therapists previously as a child/adolescent/young adult. Mostly my therapy experiences have been negative. (Compelled to go by authority figures in my life, or as a young adult, finding this T or that T to be a poor match.) I've seen only women Ts in the past with one exception of an older male T. I figured this time I'd try a different male T, some unknowable, vague number of years older than me. (Maybe 15+ years older than me? I don't really look at him so ??)

I thought this T was a "good" match. I appreciated that he stayed neutral, rarely self-disclosed. I liked his office. And never forced the issue of eye contact, which I'm unable to do.

It's been uncomfortable and extremely difficult, but I accepted that as part of the process.

It's my feelings about my therapist which have come to be most confusing. (Though as I have come to understand, it's usually all about the feelings, right?) In theory, I think of him as this warm, neutral, kind person. Which factually adds up to how he presents in session. On paper, he's who I'd choose as a good therapist.

But any time I am encountered with my T as a "human being" (those moments when I accidentally look at him, in the rare case he self-discloses a meaningless fact or experience about his life, etc.) I feel utterly, violently repulsed by him. Even to the point of feeling physically ill. There's even maybe a component of shame?

It got so bad last week that I said I just need to stop T for right now and I didn't know when I'd be ready to begin again, or if I'd be ready. Even his response to that was perfectly great. ("You're always welcome back, etc.) I've had mixed feelings about stopping over the last few days, until today when I was scrolling for a potential new T and came across his profile. The feeling of repulsion returned.

This feels so...strange? Because factually I experience him as a nice person. But on some other level I think "No."

Has anyone else experienced this? Could this be an experience of a poor therapeutic match? Would it make sense to try and find a new T? I feel so conflicted about ever going back.

I haven't talked to him about it, mostly because I am only just now able to articulate what I've been feeling over the last 2 years. Part of me also wonders if he's a poor therapist who hasn't picked up on this over such a long period of time. Which in turn makes me angry for potentially wasting my time.

If you've made it through my ramble, a sincere thank you is in order. Any feedback is welcome.