Hi.

I'm very troubled by this feeling that my T is insulting me...again.

I made a thread some time ago in which I wrote that I was recording our sessions and that I heard my T insulting me. After posting that thread I stopped recording and be more trusting with her.

Last week it was my birthday. That same day I had an appointment with her. She knew that was my birthday (because of the paperwork) and gave me a small gift, which I appreciated. I looked at the gift and then at her she was blushing and seemed beautiful to me. I was surprised and felt a little guilty about not trusting her completely.

Also, I'm having sleep problems and I'm not 100% when I go to therapy. So...I decided to record the next session, so I could go back if I felt that I missed something

The next session, yesterday, started like always. She asked me how was my week.

I told her about my cousin, who invited me to her house to dinner with her family. My cousin is like 12 years older than me. She said to her daughter that she sees me like a son. I didn't tell her, but I see her as a big sister. She supported me after my mom died long ago.

Anyway...I told my T that their 13 old son was already a bit taller than me. Then I lowered my head. She said something very quickly, I couldn't understand what she said, but I knew that she said something

I listened to the recording, only that this time I lowered the playback ratio so it plays slower.

It plays like this (all within seven seconds):

HD: "Their eldest son, who is 13, is already taller than me" I made a small chuckle and looked down and right for a moment
T: -a bit fuzzy- "yeah...forever...yeah"I imagine that she meant "forever alone".
T: -more clearly- "13...God, I can't stand you...The children...13 years..."
T: -not so clearly- "I dunno why you want to be a dad" or more like "I know that you want to be a dad"

Later ahead, she was making this example:

T: "One rule could be: I need to marry to be happy" There is a pause, I look down again and I hear something that sounds like "not even dead" a bit muffled because I moved the leg in which was placed my phone recording

How could I be so blind!!...or deaf!! I feel like an idiot for trusting her. I almost threw her gift to the garbage bin.