So, hi. I just posted an introduction post, but.. now I am going to post a *real* post.. LOL. I am really nervous so ignore my silliness.

I have been diagnosed with GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD. I have had all of these things for a very long time, but now the OCD is the worst it has ever been. My live in fiance who I have been together with for over four and a half years has gone on a trip overseas to Europe. The trip is only ten days and there is only three more left, but ever since he left the OCD has been INSANE. I didnt even make the connection that it must be BECAUSE he left until now. I know OCD can get better or worse in certain situations.

I see someone right now, but its not a whole lot of therapy. More like.. check ins to make sure I am surviving. LOL. I am not on any medication right now - the only thing I have is Ativan for when I get horrible panic attacks.

I am at my wits end. As I sit here typing this I am crying because I have been having this horrible urges to do things. It used to be very organized. Everything was done in 5s and I had a set routine. Now, its all over the place. I have left my apartment three times so far tonight to step on a piece of cardboard until it feels right. It still doesnt feel right and I feel like if I dont go back and step on that cardboard over and over again, my fiance will break up with me. This is always the *if*. My fiance will break up with me. Our relationship is perfectly fine.. I know this. I know stepping on cardboard doesnt make a difference. So why do I insist on doing this! I need help... to make it stop. I know I need to get some more therapy and I am going to work on that, but does anyone know any tiny small things that might help at all.. how do you remind yourself that its not real...