38 tax returns on my desk right now. It is 10:30 PM. I came back to work to get some stuff done, but I have not done ANYTHING other than get things organized into piles to remind me just how much crap I have to get done.

I used to be the kind of person that thrived under pressure. I can't stand to be bored. I used to be the person who would only work harder and faster when I had more to do.

Not now. I have essentially SHUT DOWN.

I don't get it. This isn't me. I'm better than this. Why can't I just DO this stuff.

I'm sure they all think I just "can't handle" the pressure of the season. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job.

But I know I"m better than this. I can do so much more. Why why why why WHY am I letting it go like this??

Today was just weird. Lunch break, driving, it's like I blacked out (see other post about my tires). I was not all there.

One minute I'm fine, the next I'm freaking out, the next I'm starting to think that the only way out of this hole is to just end it all. But then the crazy thing is, I think of how people will laugh at me thinking that I just couldn't handle the pressure and I just cracked. And I get so self-conscious of what others think of me.

I'm not on any meds yet. I probably should be. I've only been to a therapist, not licensed for meds. He was going to call in my info to my OB/GYN and get her to do the prescription side. But that hasn't happened yet. And I know, I know...it takes what - 6 weeks - for anything to even work???

One one hand I know I'm not as bad as I have been before. But on the other hand...I am crashing. One minute I"m okay but the next minute I'm not. It's weird.

Somebody snap me out of this!!!!