Had a pretty insightful session with T yesterday.
He asked his usual intro question. I told him the week had been weird, when I left last Friday I started crying on the way home. I even cried on the bus, surrounded by people. But then this week I'd almost forgotten about the session, I had to read my notes to know what we'd been talking about.
T asked why I had been sad. Told him I didn't know exactly, it started when I looked at him. He asked when exactly and I said when we said good bye, which was the second time I looked at him in that session.

He said there was probably a connection to our session if it started right after and said it's important to think about why it happened so it doesn't stay some unexplained emotion. Then he asked what I think his reaction is when I share something like this.
I thought about it and then said that I didn't know, but T insisted that it's important and that I could imagine somebody else instead of him if that helps. I answered that people might get worried, sad or some people get angry.

He confirmed that and mentioned that sometimes he's worried. How he also sometimes worries when I never look at him since 'he knows that's not normal'. He then said that he has a theory. Maybe I use such emotions unconsciously as a strategy to get closeness to people. I tell somebody I'm sad and they react worried, they try to care for me. This creates a sense of closeness. He mentioned how there's theories that say such mechanisms exist.
He explained for quite a long time and asked a few times whether I'm paying attention.

Then he said how that strategy doesn't really work though. How when I act like this, he feels I create more distance between us. I want to be close, but in reality I go further away. It's just an illusion of closeness. But that he knows this is not intentional, that my emotions are 'just stronger than me'.
I told him that now I felt like I shouldn't share anymore when I'm sad. He responded that he doesn't believe so. Maybe that's what I feel right now, but that he thinks it's very important that I told him and that it's good to discuss these things. Because only then can he get to such theories and explain them, which is the first step to changing those things.
He asked whether I could accept that maybe this is part of me? I said yes, but that I want to change it. He explained that I probably have been doing this for a long time, maybe since childhood and that it takes a long time to change. He also said that many people have issues with accepting closeness, though normally not extrem as in my case. And that there's a lot of it in therapy, we talk about a lot of intimate things. That it's normal for people like romantic partners to get upset and angry if I get sad like this, but that therapists have to understand where it's coming from and not just get angry and leave.

T said that our goal in the end is to be able to be closer to people, experience 'genuine closeness', which he explained as being able to concentrate on each other, talk about anything under the sun and to not get scared or worried. That this type of connection gives us a good feeling.

I asked about how I actually get there, he suggested that I just try to look at him more often. In the end I have to take that step, but that he's there to help. He also mentioned that I manage quite well at the end of sessions. Then he asked whether I wanted to try since we had to wrap up soon, which I did as usual. He commented that he was happy we just got to the point right away and didn't talk about other stuff, that it was an important discussion. Then he asked a few small-talk questions about my plans for the weekend before saying good bye.