And then they're all like "checkmate!" and you're like "wtf just happened?" Chess is great.

Here's something I do all the time that most people might consider manipulative. In any given social interaction, about 95% of what I do or say is designed to elicit a response from someone else or simply to observe someone's reaction. Probably even more than that, if I'm being honest. And it's always deceptive, even when it's true.

I thought this was normal and that everyone interacted in this fashion, but apparently what I do is more similar to what fake-psychics do when they read people - cold reading, hot reading, using Barnum statements, misdirecting. Anything that'll help me fish for information.

Yes and no. There's something ineffable happening which underpins these expressions. There's a connection happening, and I can see it in other people, and I can tell that they're experiencing something. I just don't have any idea what it is. I can pretend, sure, and this probably makes the people around me feel more comfortable, but I don't feel any different. Whatever is supposed to be happening beneath the surface simply isn't there, and I always feel like I'm standing at the edge of these social circles. I don't really mind it, but I can tell that there's something missing. Some people can too.

Have you ever been to a large group function where everyone else is really getting into something, and you're just not into it? Like a concert, a poetry reading, or a church sermon or something. You look around at everyone next to you, and you can see from the expression on their faces that they're experiencing something, and that everyone there is connected by this shared feeling. Except for you. You're just standing around, probably bored, wondering why everyone has this stupid look on their face.

Try complete social isolation for six months.

Firstly, I am interested in it. Just because I can't have the grapes doesn't mean I can't admire them from a distance.

Secondly, I've been keeping things casual for the past few years, and I've enjoyed it for the most part. But every now and then, I'll get an activity partner or **** buddy who wants more out of the relationship, and they pester me about it incessantly. And they always do it with this expectation that I'll eventually "open up" to them about my feelings, but it never happens. So I've deftly avoided any deep connections up until this point because I know where it leads. But I've been wondering why it's necessary for me to do this. To spare someone else's feelings? It's their choice to get close to me, after all. I'm not their handler, and I'm not responsible for their feelings.

Because I enjoy talking to people, albeit in a somewhat different way than most, and being totally authentic hasn't won me many brownie points with the normal folk. I think, right now, I'm just trying to understand how you all see the world so that I can communicate these things more easily.