Hey everyone. I actually posted my last thread here in 2015 and kind of had a lot happen between then.

First, I stopped seeing my therapist after 2.5 years. I went to my GP after not going for 6 and had 2 physical checkups so far + blood work all normal. Im not sure if you remember me or not but heres a bit of a backstory.

I have severe hypochondria. So I didnt go to my GP for like 6 years. Finally, I went because I was (still am) convinced that I have cervical cancer. My doctor ordered ultrasounds (I also thought I had uterine/ovarian cancer) all that came back normal. I was on antidepressants for a year but then I realized that nothing AT ALL will help me at this point.

Fast forward, a few months ago I lost my grandpa. He was my everything. He made me feel calm, relaxed, loved. He had cancer. Now, I feel like this is my end. I feel ****** suicidal. I am angry ALL the time, and tbh i'm scared to drive because I get angry and Im surprised I havent gotten into an accident yet.

Like at this point might as well die than find out something wrong, especially after what I saw my amazing grandpa go through.

Here is what I am currently going through:

* The reason i am convinced I have cervical cancer is because since like 2014 I spotted in between periods. So maybe like a year ago I started birth control, which minimized the spotting but still happened. Then a few months ago my doctor switched it to another birth control pill which actually stopped the spotting unless I skip the placebo pills. BUT i read an article that a girl would get spotting if she skipped her placebo pills and the doctor didnt take her seriously and she died *

1- My doctor (who is super smart) told me that I dont need to have a pap smear unless I am sexually active (I am NOT and have never been)

2- My grandpa had tests done that didnt show anything then a month later boom he had cancer... so clearly im not trusting my doctor or anyone for that matter

3- I googled A LOT of articles about girls who were not sexually active yet still got cervical cancer and died + google says that girls should get it at 21 regardless of their sexual history

4- I am afraid to go tell my doctor I want a pap smear because then it means I have to get naked + worry for WEEKS about results so I would probably do god knows what waiting

5- Im at the point where it's like okay I want to get tests done (now or in the future) but if theres something wrong I dont want to know so i'm basically STUCK. I stopped taking medication for my anxiety because my doctor said it meant I would need blood tests every 6 months.. Imagine that. ON TOP OF THAT I have to take ativan or xanax just to get my HPV shots which I skipped on in grade 8

6- I have an appt with my GP this week because I want to tell her what I feel like how I dont trust her because of what happened with my grandpa and all but I dont know how to say it. I know shes just gonna say go to therapy and start medication again but none of them worked.

I'm so so sorry if this is long but i really REALLY need some help. Thank you <3