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Originally Posted by OliverB
I just want to clarify I do not self harm, last time I did was more than 9 years ago while I lockef myself in a bathroom for 30 days (I was 14yo). Rigth now I am a bit weird but I am not having any important urge. I am safe.
I just have the urge to do it when hypomanic (mostly from non sleeping enough). I often feel suicidal due to PTSD, some of my PTSD was causes by seeing a pretty violent death (lot of blood). I am usually scared at the sigth of blood, but when hypo I find it exciting and fun. I find it interesting to see my arm from the inside when my nuts is at it greatest point. Demons talk to me encouraging me to do it.
None close to me SH.
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I'm not an expert, I was just wondering if events from your past could be driving some of this behavior. I found in my own manic experience that my mind brought forward things from my past in weird and twisted ways. For example, I laughed at and screamed about things from my past that were painful for me. Its like my behavior was in bizzaro backward mode. Its hard to explain really. Several of those things were rooted in my teenage years and I never did the work to process them properly as I did not have the tools at the time.
In your case it seems like you do have some deeply anchored trauma related to blood and/or self harm. Perhaps your subconscious brings it to the surface when you are manic and attepmts to process it. You're in a compromised state then, so the memories are less PTSD and fear and more euphoric experiences. For me it was like I had pushed those things down so hard that they spewed out when I was manic.
Do you have a therapist? I think it would be a good idea to discuss your history of what happened when you were a teen as well as the death you witnessed. Perhaps if you process it more when you are well it will help to keep it from affecting you so much when you're manic.
Just some thoughts to consider. Like I said, I have no expertise in this. Be well Oliver, and thanks for trusting us with your story.
