Hi everyone,

Just recently I started with a new T, and I find myself becoming aware of the tens of times per day that I depress and demotivate myself by means of the thoughts/expectations I have.

Of course, it is tremendously helpful to gradually unlearn these patterns and feel better overall, become less paralyzed, etc.

On the other hand, this also means I am starting to become aware of how I have sabotaged myself during all of secondary school and university. I am late twenties, and of course am happy that I am learning these things now and not later, but I cannot help but feel the sadness about everything I have deprived myself of and how much time and opportunities were wasted. Especially in social relationships, how much I have isolated myself, and in how much I have talked myself out of doing anything, study/work/whatever related. In my case, this has led to a few years of paralysis and I simply have gaps in my CV because of it, plus have nothing to compensate it with because I was so overwhelmed with university that I never did extracurricular stuff, even though I would have wanted to. Now I am in my late twenties and finally finishing undergraduate education, with lower grades because of the above. (and in an unemployable field). (disclaimer: I have just been looking at the professional pages of my peers, who have done so many interesting things - I am sure this has coloured my view of the moment a little, but still, this is a feeling I have more often).

My question is simply: do you relate to on the one hand, feeling gratefulness that you are starting to understand harmful patterns which you can maybe unlearn, while at the same time feeling deeply bitter about all the things that could have been, if you would have learned this years earlier?

It is almost comforting to deny everything and pretend that there is no life out there, so you cannot be confronted by what you have missed all this time.

I suppose I'm not necessarily blaming myself - but experiencing some unshakable bitterness for the fact that things have been like this for so long.