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Nov 10, 2019, 10:03 PM
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: You'll never know
Posts: 940
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Even my intrusive thoughts are dissociated. I see my alter's pain and faintly feel it myself. I see my alter's memory, not my own. But it hurts me, too.
I experience "vicarious trauma" through my alters, but if my alters went through the rest of the abuse, and I only remember fragmented pieces of it happening to me, that becomes scary - almost too much to handle.
I don't wanna go to therapy. It winds up being more painful whenever the therapy subdues my/our emotions, disbelieves DID/alters, doesn't understand the role of every alter, and doesn't hear my own voice apart from the alters' voices. I also feel victim-blamed and victim-shamed sometimes. It adds to the weight I'm already experiencing from the trauma. Why subdue what I'm trying to share? Why focus solely on coping skills when the way for me TO COPE is to share what I've experienced, share what my alters have experienced, share what intrusive thoughts are. I've contained them long enough!
It's easier to share them online here. But it's also painful to be alone in my apartment while feeling all these emotions and seeing all these alters inside my head getting upset.
I'm not schizophrenic or psychotic, but it feels that way sometimes - and it may sound that way to others. If my alters are me (which I know they are), then the body I have housing all of us struggles to feel emotion or express it. It's easier to envision it inside, but to put words to it instead.
The betrayal wounds are even more painful. Why? --that's the question we keep asking ourselves. Why did this happen to me/us? Why did my life fall apart afterward? Why did I lose so much from this? Why am I still here? Why am I still feeling all of this, as if it just happened yesterday? Why do these feelings arise around the same time every year? Why can't I remember for myself? Why can't I just have only PTSD? Why can't I just have no mental illness for that matter? Why?
    
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