Thursday with Dr. T:

When I got there, T warned me that the office would look different. He'd replaced his armchair with an office chair and put a different set of tables next to me (fish was still there though!) It was weird at first because T seemed like he was higher up in the chair, but he said he didn't think he was, that I looked the same. It just felt a bit awkward, adjusting. I said it feels different when he wears his glasses, too (usually wears contacts). I said he had to warn me if he was ever going to make some big personal appearance change, like shaving his head or his beard. He said then he'd be a bad therapist (or something like that).

At one point, we somehow ended up on the topic of my abandonment/rejection fears. He asked if I felt I had trouble judging how relationships are going, if I felt that had been an issue lately. Because he had the sense I'd been doing well with relationships and knowing where people stand. I said yes, doing better lately, but some of the stuff from the past still haunts me. Like exes. And my former best friend, who seemed to bail on me shortly after D was born.

We talked about that a bit, how with her, I was always sort of the "supportive friend," telling her what she wanted to hear. How I knew she could cut off people for being disloyal or critical. So...maybe I wasn't being myself with her. And in the midst of pregnancy and having D, I just couldn't deal with some of that stuff anymore (like once when she called to complain about a friend not seeming excited for her that she'd just gotten this fancy BMW--meanwhile, I was debating whether to spend the money for a new, not-fancy VW wagon because it would be safer and easier for D.).

T said that someone had told him this thing once..."Actually, I think it was [ex-MC] who told me...yeah, I think it was!" Me: "OK..." T said it was that if someone you know does something to other people, don't assume that they won't eventually do that same thing to you (referencing my friend). Me: "That makes a lot of sense. Don't tell him I said that!" T: "I know you're just being flippant, but I want to reassure you that I don't talk to him about you at all." Me: "I know. I trust that, since I ended the communication agreement."

I shifted to talking about what I'd emailed him about Tuesday night--where H and I had met with D's T, P (without D), to discuss some parenting stuff. I said it felt weird in a way because it was almost like marriage counseling. And I'd realized that I'd/we'd (perhaps subconsciously) sat in the same configuration we had in ex-MC's office, with me kind of between H and P (an L-shape). So it was bringing my mind back to that a bit. And I said it was interesting, because I found myself playing with my hair in there, which I only really do with male therapists... T: "You only do that with male therapists?" Me (turning red): "Yeah, mostly...though I tend to notice if I do that in here then stop." T: "Yeah, I think I mentioned it to you 6 months ago, and you've done it much less often since then." Me: "Is there a time when I seem to do that more? Just curious." T: "I've noticed uou tend to touch your hair when you're sad, when you're starting to get emotional." Me: "Hm, interesting..."

I went back to what I'd emailed him about, which was that it had seemed like H painted himself to P as this great parent, while I came across (mostly from my own telling) as not so great. And how P had suggested that I try to follow more how H deals with D in getting her to do things/disciplining her.

I had told T that I was just looking for support and a reality check from him that I wasn't the sh**ty parent that I felt like right then. He made the point in the email that it seems H tends to present his best self, while I tend to focus more on my shortcomings. Which I told him, in session, was quite accurate. And probably should have been obvious to me, but hey, that's why I pay him, right? T said lots of things can seem obvious and...gave the random example of inline skates, like why had no one thought of that before? I said it's also easier to see from the outside, and he agreed.

I started crying a bit and said how it felt a bit like how things had been with ex-MC, how in there it often seemed like I was the one with the problems. Like ex-MC would suggest it was me overreacting to H, that it was about my issues more than his. And I was afraid of that dynamic happening again. So I thought that's part of why I got so emotional about it after the session.

I said how part of me wanted T (in his email reply) to say, "You're a great mom!" But that I also realized that his saying that might help me in that moment, but not in the long run. Plus, he doesn't *really* know if I'm a good mom, just what I tell him. T: "Exactly, I don't know how you are as a mom. Plus, if I said you're a great mom, that might keep you from doing any improvements you might want to do."

He said how this next thing might come out wrong. But that you can both be doing an OK job and want to make improvements. How just because you think there's room for improvement, it doesn't mean you're doing a bad job now. I said that made sense.

We revisited an issue we've been having with D (something potentially triggering*), which is a big part of what led us to start seeing P. T said he hadn't experienced that happening with anyone he knows or has worked with (though he doesn't really work with kids--just teens, but also couples). He emphasized, as he has multiple times lately, that D is a challenging child to raise. Regarding the specific issue (see below), he said, "If I was dealing with that with my son, I wouldn't know how to handle it either." Me: "I really appreciate your saying that. It helps."

I knew was time to stop. T warned me that things were going to "get goofy" soon with scheduling. I was afraid he was taking a bunch of time off, but he's just off next Monday (said we can meet Tues/Fri if I want), then off Thurs/Fri. Thanksgiving week. I said, "OK, I was afraid you were going to say you were moving to Spain or something." T: "Then I'd have to learn Spanish." Me: "I don't know why i picked Spain." T: "It's a place!"

I'd paid at the beginning (our new ritual), so he stood up, opened the door, then held out his hand and I shook it. T: "It was good seeing you." Me: "Good seeing you, too." T: "Good luck with D." Me: "Thanks." T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too.

Comments (or PMs) welcome.

*What's going on with my D--please tread carefully: