Hey, everybody. Good morning. I've been absent for a few days. Sorry. I went back a couple of days and read as best I could all the posts, not knowing where to begin. My brain is not really in a place to be very helpful right now--sorry. But I do want to send strength and support to everyone suffering physically right now and positive vibes and fortitude to those struggling psychically. I hope you all have better days today.

I actually didn't really want to come back, which is weird, because you all have been so incredibly helpful and supportive to me. I am so grateful, truly, and I didn't feel like not coming back as some kind of attention-grabber for myself. But I just feel like I am running in circles. I was horribly depressed/extremely suicidal a few weeks ago and then suddenly briefly a little psychotic, then hypomanic. And now, as of a couple of days ago, I am really psychotic, anxious, and paranoid. Convinced secret agents are in the hallway preparing to kick down my door. Convinced my upstairs neighbor above me has put microphones in my walls and cameras in my smoke detectors and oven. Hear voices and conversations all night long from the hall and upstairs neighbor apt. thru the floor, which I know is concrete. Hearing somebody whistle but there's no-one there. Seeing all kinds of crazy shadows on the walls and sneaking under my door. Terrified that I am going to die, but I don't know why that would happen.

Just lying in my bed, clutching my pillow and trying to breathe and pray before I am killed. I think I told my doctor that I was getting psychotic again on Friday, but not sure how bad I told him it was. I can't remember really.I did take all my medicine every day and night, that I know. Am now on Abilify 20 mg again and Zyprexa (can't remember how much and don't want to get the bottle right now because the bathroom is by my front door, where all those people are in the hallway). I don't know when I slept last, but I was u all last night and almost all the night before. Anxious, paranoid, doomful, hopeless, terrified, very, very confused. Not processing well. Too afraid to tell the TV on, which might distratc me, cuz I used to get special messages. Too afraid to leave apt., but I would have to go in hallway anyway and I won't do that. No way.

I'm so sorry to dump all this. Other people have major-league issues going on here that are far more worthy of attention. But I don't know what to do anymore. It all seems lost. Lost the ability to sleep. I guess 800 mg of Seroquel would do it, but I don't know what to do.