Long story going to try and shorten it up the best I can. Trigger warnings of sexual assault and rape.

As a young teen I was honestly scared of sexual interactions. Like kissing and all that was fine but anything more I felt dirty. The first few guys I did anything sexual with (not full on sex) felt forced to me but I never said no.

My first time having sex was consensual and fine.

I had 2 or 3 relationships during the times of sexual assault where I felt safe and okay with the partner to do sexual things
After the rape though now in relationships I feel tense and overwhelmed with physical intimacy.

At first I figured maybe I just wasn't into the partner or what and tried to dismiss it but it kept happening. Even when I felt okay to have sexual interactions I would feel really bad guilt after.

Now I'm in a relationship with this caring understanding girl. She knows about the history of sexual abuse. But this feeling of being overwhelmed when we cuddle or kiss is persisting. I have low sexual drive or real need for much intimacy. I can usually handle cuddling but the kissing makes me so anxious I get sick to my stomach. She and I have talked and she assures that sex doesn't have to happen and I understand that but I just don't know what to tell her or how to explain it. I don't know if I'm asexual or what. I have an attraction to her physically and emotionally.
She is a type who needs attention and reassurance in our relationship and I feel like I'm failing her.

Advice? Thoughts? Anyone else feel like this?