Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder for many years. About seven years ago life went haywire...I became severely anxious and had what my then-pdoc referred to as "dysphoric mania." Life became a hell for me. Each year, especially during the darker months, I seemed to acquire new aspects of my disorder. Delusions, agitation/anxiety that made me feel like I would implode. So intense that I felt physically unwell from it. I began to feel and believe that I was dying. Then paranoia. And so on.
My current pdoc, I've been seeing her for about three years. She tells me that while my initial dx was BP2, that I go into the BP1 territory at times. I tend to have a lot of mania; it's just not always a euphoric mania, but is often dysphoric. Or mixed states with some delusional symptoms.
Actually, we haven't discussed my diagnosis in a could of months. I intend to ask her some questions about it when I see her this Thursday.
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Sorry to hear about that, Beth, and I have to say this hits pretty close to home... It sounds awfully similar to the kind of deterioration I'm seeing as well.
I was relatively stable during most of my twenties, having hypomanic and depressive episodes but also months of euthymia. But for the past three or four years it's been getting worse. Much more and worse depression than before, and I've also been having dysphoric manias like the ones you describe (in my mind I've been calling them mixed episodes). Right now I'm lucky if I'm stable for three or four weeks at a time.
During those dysphoric episodes I can barely sleep at all, maybe just for an hour or so before I wake up in a panic and my mind just starts racing again. Anxiety and irritability are out of control, it feels like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I've even cancelled a work trip because it was so bad. I can't be near anyone because the tiniest thing will just send me off into a rage. I have these angry tirades about whatever minor thing is bugging me, and the tiniest sound from the neighbors or what not will just drive me absolutely crazy and I'll have all these violent thoughts. I've also had paranoia, and really strong feelings of "dark presences" that make me scared of the dark like a little kid.
Then sometimes for a few hours the depression will randomly lift, and it's almost like a regular hypomania where I'll start to feel euphoric, start lots of projects, etc. Until the depression comes back and it turns dark again. I try to keep it inside as much as I can, but sometimes I can't and I yell at my family, and then afterwards I feel so guilty I start having suicidal thoughts. Until now whenever I have those thoughts I immediately think I can't do it because I don't want to abandon my family, but it scares me to know that my grandfather actually did commit suicide, it makes me wonder how many times he didn't do it before he finally did.
I often wonder where this is going to end. The symptoms are already much worse than they were and I sometimes wonder how long it will be before they just become completely unmanageable. I've talked to my therapist about it, but somehow I have this tendency to downplay the symptoms and I can't seem to really get across how it feels to me.