Sorry to hear about that, Beth, and I have to say this hits pretty close to home... It sounds awfully similar to the kind of deterioration I'm seeing as well.

I was relatively stable during most of my twenties, having hypomanic and depressive episodes but also months of euthymia. But for the past three or four years it's been getting worse. Much more and worse depression than before, and I've also been having dysphoric manias like the ones you describe (in my mind I've been calling them mixed episodes). Right now I'm lucky if I'm stable for three or four weeks at a time.


During those dysphoric episodes I can barely sleep at all, maybe just for an hour or so before I wake up in a panic and my mind just starts racing again. Anxiety and irritability are out of control, it feels like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I've even cancelled a work trip because it was so bad. I can't be near anyone because the tiniest thing will just send me off into a rage. I have these angry tirades about whatever minor thing is bugging me, and the tiniest sound from the neighbors or what not will just drive me absolutely crazy and I'll have all these violent thoughts. I've also had paranoia, and really strong feelings of "dark presences" that make me scared of the dark like a little kid.


Then sometimes for a few hours the depression will randomly lift, and it's almost like a regular hypomania where I'll start to feel euphoric, start lots of projects, etc. Until the depression comes back and it turns dark again. I try to keep it inside as much as I can, but sometimes I can't and I yell at my family, and then afterwards I feel so guilty I start having suicidal thoughts. Until now whenever I have those thoughts I immediately think I can't do it because I don't want to abandon my family, but it scares me to know that my grandfather actually did commit suicide, it makes me wonder how many times he didn't do it before he finally did.

I often wonder where this is going to end. The symptoms are already much worse than they were and I sometimes wonder how long it will be before they just become completely unmanageable. I've talked to my therapist about it, but somehow I have this tendency to downplay the symptoms and I can't seem to really get across how it feels to me.