Nah, I don't know what the pain is about. It feels... Wordless. I just become speechless. Mute.

That was the way I started out in therapy. Then CBT. I had to say something or I was being uncooperative. And then I felt like I couldn't say anything right - so what was the point in saying anything at all. But I distinctly remember that it took a great deal of time before I was able to attempt to verbalize at all. Then that kinda got shocked out of me. With therapists trying to find cognitive distortions in what I was saying. I became so very aware of all the possible cognitive distortions and I was careful to reframe all my thoughts. And then I was back to not being able to say anything at all. My therapist has (over the past year) earned my trust. To the extent that I know I could say anything, anything at all. And even if what I said was paradigmatic of cognitive distortion #1 he wouldn't classify it and attempt to counter it as such. He would just listen.

But still I can't talk. I know he won't criticize, condemn, or counter, or query. But still... I'm right back where I started of simply being unable to verbalize. I don't know what is wrong.

A theory is that verbalization makes the unmanageable manageable. Maybe that is part of my resistence. I remember... So many nights... This immense pain and heavyness and despair... This feeling... To put words to it can never convey it. Putting words to it... Is a disservace... a denial... Of earlier me. Its NOT to be true to my experience.

Maybe I should talk about that.
Cause I think he feels it. I think he can feel it.
And he isn't afraid of it - except insofar as he is concerned about me.
That I can cope. That I can leave it behind when I leave.
wasn't big enough, and squeezing it into that space caused too much pressure.