I've loss a lot in my life. I'm 27. In elementary school within the span of a year (I was about 6 or 7yrs). I loss my eldest brother to suicide and then my eldest sister due to complications from car accident injures six months later. By the end of that span then my grandpa who lived with my family for a while (before he was put in like assisted living) passed.

It wasn't till middle school that I really processed their deaths and it affected me hard. It took till about 18 years old that I was okay with their deaths, processed and accepted a that happened.

About 3 or 4 years ago a close coworker committed suicide. That was hard because he was an adult living with bipolar. An older man who would be so nice to me and gave me a sense of that I could live with depression and anxiety because he made it through his struggle. He didn't judge me nor my sexual orientation (which was a touchy subject with my family). I still miss him to this day. I never spoke at his funeral. I wish I had.

Then last year, halloween to be exact my father passed after dealing with various health issues for years. Our best guess is his kidneys failed or heart gave out (he was living on his own because he was refusing medical help and the state wasn't really helping make him get help).

I had a complicated relationship with him. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. So his death was almost a sense of freedom. I spoke at his funeral and was kind of brutally honest about the man he was. Everyone was proud of me because they all saw him for who he was in the end.
Then a few weeks later my grandmother died as well. When we buried my dad we also buried my brother (my mom never could right after his death so held onto his ashes for years).
This all happened around my birthday (a hard time of the year I'll save for another post).

With it being the year anniversary it's been harder than I thought. I had this weird wish I could visit my father, sister and brother's grave.
Even with not feeling close to my dad.

I just kinda wanted to get that off my chest. Nothing more nothing less.