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Originally Posted by fern46
I can appreciate that. I was very hesitant to admit a number of things to my therapist. I soon realized she had pretty much heard it all. I also realized that mostly I was avoiding it because I simply did not want to admit these things and actually say them out loud.
I did learn about myself that my subconscious mind basically spewed out all of my trauma and any strange thoughts I had suppressed when I was psychotic. It all came out druing mania when I had no filter and I was completely exposed. My poor husband! He heard so many completely scary and dark things that I would NEVER act on. It was like the most twisted things from my darkest nightmares were front and center for him to see. I had no filter whatsoever. At any rate, I decided I better start talking and processing this stuff with someone before it happens again. My hope is talking about it helps me to release this energy in a more productive way.
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Yeah, I think you're right. I guess I'm still kind of wanting my therapist to like me as a person and not think I'm too messed up, but maybe I should give up on that idea.
It doesn't help that I was raised by a drama queen who used her kids as a sort of emotional caretakers. I guess I'm afraid of expressing too much emotion now because it makes me feel like I'm becoming the same way. For me expressing any feelings feels as though I'm being manipulative and overdramatic. I'll probably tell my therapist that so at least she has a better idea of how to interpret what I'm saying, maybe that will help.
I can definitely relate to what you're saying about your family. That feeling of failing to shield them from it might be the worst of all.
