Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist
Thank you so much for the support and help, Fern and Wild Coyote. I really appreciate it. I don't really know what happened yesterday, but I somehow woke up in my bed at about midnight. I know I slept because I felt much better. There were no voices or whistling or crazy things on my walls or coming through my door when I got up, so I got the courage to open it. There was nobody in the hallway. No guns or anything. I still think they're upstairs, though. I can definitely hear them. Who, besides me, is up at 3 in the morning, marching around their apartment like madpeople? I'm not buyin' it. And where did this mystery green LED in my electrical panel just appear from?
I have headphones, but am afraid to use them because I won't hear it when they kick in my door. Need to be able to defend myself, not that I know how to do that. I don't really have anyone who can stay with me. My best pal is in Seattle and my other one here is just way too busy with his work. My brother is an ********* and my dad would, but he is 86 and frail. I guess if it was an emergency, my ex would come. I do support her. And her kids.
The panic and fast breathing and need to flee is better right now. Will see my psychiatrist later today and see what he says. I am unwell. Probably Clozaril. But we'll see. I can't thank you both enough for supporting me in this. I will post a f/u after I see Dr. C., assuming I can do that. I guess I could be in the hospital or something
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Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. You're coping as best as you can with very difficult circumstances. I'm glad to know you were able to get a bit of rest. That helps even if it is just enough to make it to your doctors appointment.
Try one headphone on and one off so you can still hear what's going on. Maybe you could still relax to the music a bit while also being able to feel like you can protect yourself.
I'm sorry your support structure isn't readily available to you at the moment. I understand not wanting to pull on people when they are super busy or when the relationship doesn't make sense for it anymore.
Good luck today. I hope you are able to get some quick relief to help you sleep and to ease your mind. Keep in mind that these thoughts cycle. That is your pattern. You're able to get help and then they go away. The fact that they go away when you're well means they are highly unlikely to be true this time around even though they feel a million percent real. Maybe there is some small comfort in that. We could break each one of the thoughts down and challenge them with critical thinking if you think it might help. For now it might just be enough to remember this is a pattern of psychosis. You are way more self aware to this than I ever was. It is a wonderful thing.
Hang in there. You are very strong and you're going to make it through. I hope all goes well with the appintments and I hope you get the oppprtunity to update us later.
