Hi All, so this has been bothering me since Monday night when I saw Pastor T. As background I had SH-ed on Sunday and twice on Monday before seeing Pastor T. I have a rather difficult (for me) GP appointment today which is causing me a lot of distress. Pastor T and I were talking about it and he told me that I *couldn't* SH Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. I tried to negotiate with him. Such as, how about not on Tuesday, but okay on Wednesday? But he said no. He wasn't going to negotiate. He did tell me to call him on my lunch break on Wednesday and we would do a visualization and then to call him after the Dr appointment to debrief. So it's not like he just hung me out to dry completely, but this plan isn't ideal for me either.

We didn't come to this plan together. Pastor T said no SH and there wasn't any wiggle room for me. I'm kind of a rule-follower for the most part so I don't feel like I can just do whatever I want since he told me that I can't. I thought T's were supposed to collaboratively come up with goals that you are supposed to try to achieve. I can understand that SH is bad for me and not healthy and stuff like that, but what if it were a different sort of pattern, like over-eating, or shopping, or over-exercising? Would that have made a difference?
I'm kind of mad at Pastor T because I feel like my biggest, best coping mechanism has been taken away when I need it. So I feel....punished? And it is driving up the anxiety. When you are told you can't do something, it makes it harder to not do that something. Maybe that is resistance. Maybe that is opposition. Maybe that is human nature. I can't see myself SH-ing and then keeping it a secret from him. But if I SH it feels like there is too much riding on it, since he explicitly told me not to.

I did use my social supports and texted and called a few friends to have them give me support today. One even offered to go to the Dr appointment with me, but that would have just been weird so I declined. So I am trying to use other coping skills.

I don't know if this is somewhat a battle of the wills. I don't know if this is a battle against authority. I don't know if this is just me being frustrated that one thing I planned on getting me through the appointment today is forbidden. I know all of this stuff should ideally be talked through with Pastor T. But it is going to be a few weeks before my next appointment with him as he is having knee surgery on Monday. And it's going to be too long to talk to him about it on the phone today. Plus I'm not good at bringing up stuff that is bothering me to the person that brought up the stuff that is bothering me. Confrontation. Not my strong suit.

I know that SH is a sticky issue. That technically he could make me go to the hospital or something if he feels I am at risk to myself. I don't know if he would do that, but I know it's an option he has. I know he is coming from a good place. That he is trying to keep me safe. That he is trying to grow me. And heal me. I do understand that and I do appreciate that. But it is super hard to have the one coping mechanism that always works taken away. Does a therapist have the right to tell you that you can't do something? I mean, they do have some authority but is this a good time to exercise it? I'm not sure I trust myself to think clearly about all of this so I am presenting it to the group. I'm not sure I have the right to be angry about it, although I've been told feelings are feelings and they are neither good or bad, it just depends what you do with them. I'm not sure he had the right to tell me I couldn't do something. Honestly, it probably would have gone a lot better if he could have gotten me to come around to the idea and agree to it. Like I'd really like to put this goal in place for you, and I'd really like to get you on board, what would that take? But the authoritarian rule is bugging me.

Either way I'm stuck. I can't SH until Friday because he didn't say anything about after Thursday. I'm just not happy about it. I wasn't in the decision making process but I am bound by the decision. This sucks. Thanks to everyone who reads this. Kit