Thank you everyone, for helping me to sort through this. I still feel perturbed at being told what not to do, and I can't help that I feel that way. Feelings are what feelings are. I can only control what I do with them. So I think that I chose a healthy outlet to talk about it and through it here on PC. It is healthy to talk things through so that is what I wanted to achieve in my post.

You all brought up some good points. And gave me some good stuff to think about. At least my being angry at my Pastor T is helping me not be so anxious about the appointment. I can only have so many emotions at one time, so in a way, I guess this is good distraction.

To be clear, I'm not going to SH to provoke my Pastor T or because what I think he did was wrong. He told me not to SH and I'm pretty much not going to SH unless I just absolutely can't help it, and if that is the case, I'll probably end up at the ER anyway.

I do think not having the option to SH right now is making my situation worse because having this appointment is like a kind of trauma for me, and not being able to SH is like making it harder for me to get through the trauma. I am ambivalent about SH. I want to give it up, and I want to hang onto it. It obviously still serves a purpose in my life. I have been over the past year or so, working on letting people into my life so that they can support me and hopefully over time, the connection that I am building with these people will be strong enough to help me step away from SH. I don't think I'm there yet.

I did follow through and I called Pastor T on my lunch break so he could do a visualization with me. I can't say that it was exactly helpful but there is something about someone taking time out of their schedule to talk to me for three or four minutes that means *something* to me. I must not be a worthless piece of crap if someone is going to take 3 or 4 minutes out of their day to talk to me on the phone about my stupid anxiety about a normal procedure at a Dr.'s office.

I am still feeling my way with Pastor T. I haven't seen him that many times. I do think he challenges me in different ways than regular T or that my T's have in the past. And yes, sometimes these challenges are scary to me, sometimes they upset me, sometimes they make me mad, sometimes they make me really in a bad space that I have to fight to get out of. Ultimately I have no way of knowing if his way of working will be helpful to me, harmful to me, or neutral to me. I do think I owe myself the shot that it might be the kind of help that I need. I've been SH-ing for a long time. Since I was nine years old. I'd like to not be doing it into my 40's and 50's. Right now, I want to SH. But there is part of me that doesn't want to SH. Those two parts are at war. I do try to use my other coping mechanisms, but they truly aren't as good as SH. But maybe one day, they will be good enough.

Although I am resenting being told by Pastor T that I cannot use this coping mechanism, it is forcing me to make a choice. SH or don't SH. Submit or don't submit. I have another choice. Don't get the procedure done at the Dr.'s. Which might end up happening if I can't pull it together at the doctor's. And if I can't do it, I'm going to be hating myself, and that feeds right into the SH feelings. Don't give in, Kit!

I probably would have ultimately agreed to three days no SH if it would have been presented to me as a goal. Like if he would have said, "Can I get you to commit to 3 days no SH, and I'll do x and y to help you, and you do x, y, an z instead?" I probably would have agreed to that. I do take issue that it was a command. It's just mucking up everything in my brain and making me all more upset than I needed to be. I know that sounds whiny. I feel a little whiny. I hate being mad and I feel mad and I feel upset and I'm having to feel these feelings and it's hard for me. I know I can do 3 days. I just did 75 days, so it's not the length of time that is bothering me. The timing isn't great for me. I know if I go through with the procedure I'm going to be terribly upset. If I can even get through the procedure, which is a big if.

I just have to accept right now that I can't SH. It's for my own good. And whatever happens at the Dr.'s happens. Either I can get the procedure done. Or I can't. Either I will hate myself because I can't do it, or be traumatized because I had it done. I don't think there is any other way through it.

This is long and I think I rambled. So thank you to anyone who reads it. I'm still obviously trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to come to grips with my current reality. HUGS Kit