For starters – my life has been absolutely insane this year, especially these last few months. I don’t really know where to start, but I’ll sum it up with a sentiment. I’m just not keeping up with what the world decides I am or where I am supposed to be. What I mean is, I’m recovering really slowly and pathetically. I know you shouldn’t compare your experiences or issues to others – but honestly people do what they have to do at the end of the day and I’m just not able to do it. An example of that is I recently started a new job. Training was only 5 days and it was a lot of information. I am of average intelligence, but it was just so much information overload. I couldn’t seem to grasp it well enough to apply it the very next week in real-time, real situations. I felt unprepared and frightened by it all. I felt I was drowning while everyone else just took it in stride. Of course, they did – it’s just how these things work. It’s how these jobs work. You can’t change the rules and you just tough it out. My first day on the floor I had panic attacks and I just went to HR and explained I just wasn’t doing well. My assessments during training were really good but my retention was very poor. I felt pathetically dumb because I just wasn’t where I needed to be. They’ve decided to give me the week off and let me start (hopefully) in another department which should be easier and has a much lengthier training (a month). The fact I even had to go to someone and admit I am a failure was bad enough, but at least they were accommodating and wanted to keep me rather than throw me out to find another job. Assuming that all the paperwork is pushed through quickly enough... I may be out of a job another 3 weeks. Lord knows I can’t afford to be without income.
I’ve dealt with psychological issues all my life, and I’ve just pushed through them for the most part. I for the first part of my life was able to overcome the statistics and actually overcome adversity and established a career and a decent life and family. My illness in part brought all that crumbling down. It’s been over a year and I’m still without a job, and a recluse. I know I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps and just truck forward—but I am not able. I can’t even do the simplest of things it seems. Oddest thing is I am not depressed. I do take medication and it does its part. I don’t feel low, but I do feel inept. It’s strange, because you don’t normally separate the two (or at least I don’t).

I’m just not functioning well enough to even scrape by. That’s the part that scares me. I’ve made small steps forward to get to where I am now, but they’re taking too long and they’re too small. This was the first job I’ve attempted since I lost my career and I failed after a week of training. That can’t look good or give a good prospect for my future with the company. I can’t spin it positively to accept this is how it is. For the first time in my life I can’t blame my illness – this time it’s just me.

It’s not just the fact I am enough, I don’t think I know how to be enough. It just sucks.