Hello Booear: I see this is your first post here on PC. So...welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you have experienced so much difficulty in your young life. Hopefully being on PC can be of some comfort & support.

Two additional forums, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Relationships & Communication forum & the Grief & Loss forum. Here are links to these forums:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

https://psychcentralforums.com/grief-and-loss/

You might also check out the Coping with Emotions forum:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

You wrote that after you have your baby, you might go out; but without the dramatic notes and guilt trips your mother left behind. You didn't mention if you're seeing any mental health professionals (a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist.) But if you're not, I'd like to strongly encourage you to do so.

The thoughts you're struggling with are depression talking. One thing that happens, when a person is feeling suicidal, is that their ability to see the options that are available to them gradually narrows until it seems as though suicide is the best, perhaps the only, option. However there are almost always other options. And while suicide, if it's successful, (there's no guarantee) may end the pain for you, it will echo down the generations to come starting with your children. Is that a legacy you'd want to leave them? Please reach out, in real life, for the help you need.

Here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) can be of some help:

Cognitive Distortions: The Lies Depression Tells

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...ing-mechanism/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.