I can relate to all of this - I have had a problem with dissociation for years, sometimes totally out of my body watching me do something. I have felt I was not worthy of life for so long that the other day my T gave me a LONG speech on how if I don't change my mind about who I really am that I was not going to survive (I had told him my plans but had promised him not to do it without telling him - but I had gone so far down and hated myself so much that I was planning on doing it anyway without telling him , breaking my word to him). His talk helped. He gave me an assignment - to write down what qualities I feel make a person a "good" person. So I wrote down everything I could think of and when I took them to him he looked them over and said every single one of them described me. I still can't see it - but I know the assignment helped me in some deep way I cannot describe and for the first time I don't feel like killing myself. I still am not afraid of dying - but I no longer hate myself enough to do it to myself. But, then, this is where I am at this moment - half an hour from now I may be back down. I think I know myself pretty well but with blinders on when I am depressed. When I am out of depression, even for a short time, I realize that I am a pretty good person. I care about other people, animals, the environment and I respect other people's rights for their own opinions even if I don't agree with them. So my answer, boiled down, is, when I have the depression under control I know myself pretty well - and when I am depressed I have a false sense of how "bad" I am, how unworthy of love or praise. At those times I am a 3 year old child, hiding under the bed where my mommie can't find me and hurt me. I did not mean to ramble on so much...