Hey everyone i'm new, woo hoo.

i scored a 99 on the ADD quiz, does this mean i'm special? lol

i'm here for some encouragement and advice on what to do

ok here's my situation,

I am a:
-23 year old female
-Mother of a 2 year old little girl
-College student for Nursing- taking Anatomy 2 classes and pretty much hitting the wall with my ability to study/learn

I've been diagnosed with all of these in the past:
-bulimia (14 years old, got help and stoped same year)
-major depressive disorder
-bi-polar
-anxiety disorder with panic attacks
-drug abuse off and on since 16 years old , which is embarressing and i don't want to tell my new psychiatrist this because affraid of being withheld treatment.

I've taken these medications and hated every single one:
-paxil (made me yawn constantly and feel like a zombie)
-zoloft (zombified me also)
-effexor (zombified me also)
-depakote (took away all emotion, and zombie ish also)
-there may have been others bu i don't remeber them.

The only medication that has helped my major depressive slumps is Wellbutrin- i'm currently taking 300mg/day, and have used this medication off and on for the past 5 years.

sure the wellbutrin has lifted the deep dark depression, but i'm still unable to cope with my responsibilities and school work... i've been this way since i was 14 years old now that i look back on my behavior through the years...

as a child i was always the impulsive loudmouth kid in elementary school and always in trouble, the words that stick out in my memory are, "tara you need to think before you talk because you hurt peoples feelings/ speek when you aren't supposed to!!!" , my mom has reminded me of how all my teachers had talked to her about my impulsive speeking/ probably other behaviors too... i was a happy child from what i can remember, even while getting much more discipline than my sister from both of my parents- grew up to be scared of them in some ways, which has manifested in me not calling my father, ever- rarely return his calls, and when i lived in the same state i never wanted to spend time with him unless my sister or stepmom was there with us, i am just really uneasy with him.
i don't call anyone anymore, i avoid the phone like the plague, and have very few frienships/relationships including family members because i just cannot focus on the relationships- i'm a flake, i have just wanted to live in my own little la la land life day to day with out having to interact with many people- its just too much effort.

sorry about going off there- its a huge issue, but here are my main failures/ dificulties:
-i have almost no energy for my young daughter, and i get impatient often with her, i'm a single mom w/ no help whatsoever from her father so i feel really bogged down...
-i'm trying to get a nursing degree so i can make a life fore my daughter and i, but i've hit a wall- anatomy 2 is way over my head- teacher talks too fast, i can't keep up with notes, i don't even listen to what he says because i'm franticly trying to take notes and often while daydreaming/thinking about non-school stuff.
(for example- the other day this girl next to me sprayed on way too much perfume, it was disgusting, i couldn't just plug my nose and breath through my mouth and go on with paying attention to the 3 huge chapters my teacher belts out in a hour and 15 minutes, i could not think about ANYTHING but this awful perfum and how i was going to confront her about it after class)

i've always been like this with school work- i have just always though i was incompetent, just all together less than my school-mates because they could pay attention, get to school on time, study for tests and follow through with whatever their educational goals were...

i've always hated reading unless its about a particular subject my daydreaming wants to research, and these books don't get read all the way, and its usually only about maybe 2 a year.... well, i do most of my reading about things online, the computer is great for my inattentiveness- skip around like lightning from though to google search then thought to youtube video search ect...

ok, so i withdrew from everything and everyone when i was 14- mom was on something every evening and in my face yelling at me about how selfish i was for not doing chores on schedule or keeping my room clean, or putting a bowl or dish away (shes %#@&#!- i'm a pig everything is a mess, car, room, kitchen, ect... cleaning gets done maybe twice a month)

i ended up moving in with my father due to the war-zone of a home-life my mom created with her loopy outbursts everyday... my dad gave me very few rules and let me do my own thing so long as i pay the consequences for my actions.. so, like being free'd from prison i went wild, made friends that were like me- not doing good in school/or mostly dropouts, started smoking pot- which was aweful it compounded all of my inattentive/procrastination/ditached issues by a thousand... pot ended up being my gateway drug into exstacy and soon thereafter crystal meth, or more like dirty bathtub crank that i smoked and it left tar in the pipe because of how unclean the %#@&#! was...

this is what i am really scared to tell the new psychiatrist (i'm waiting for new insurance to go into affect), my drug use, and ESPECIALLY my meth use- i'm affraid that i may not get the right medication i need- i've don't all the ssri antidepressents, CANNOT take them they make my problems worse, wellbutrin is cool, and from what i've read so far it is also used to treat adhd, but its not doing a thing for my add symptoms????? i think i might really need the stimulant type of medication...

when i did meth for those what, seven months when i was 16/17, i felt like all my issues with spacing out/ being late/ not cleaning ever/ extream lethargy from feeling unable to cope with normal life stuff, they all went away (but of course the more i did , i started to go downhill bigtime- sought psychologicall treatment promptly and have never used meth since then (so its been about 6/7 years). i have gone back to pot since then, well last time was 3 years ago- before i got pregnant with my daughter...

i'm sorry you guys, i'm writing a %#@&#! novel here, i am not really expecting many people to read this far into my post lol...

just this past week it came into my mind to look up ADD, or i came accross something online i don't remember, and i saw a local psychiatrists website where he discusses his specialty in add treatment of adults/ adult women, had a lot of information on add and it was like A %#@&#! EPIPHANY i'm not exagerating, i'm sure many of you feel this way after realizing what the hells been going on w/ u for so many years....

like i said at the begining, i scored a 99 on the god damn psychcentral add test (the 24 question one, what is the highest the score goes on it?) and i didn't exagerate at all, i have ABSOLUTELY NO HYPERACTIVITY issues, so i suppose i am the innatentive type. i am impulstive though, with just about everything.

these are my main problems (every area of my life i now see is impacted by this innatention i have):

-on computer almost all my free time, bouncing around to whatever pops into my mind, this i guess is my escape from the world-
-i procrastinate EVERYTHING and always have, homework/studying, bills, chores, LEAVING ON TIME TO GET TO PLACES, this is a big big problem, i am late everywhere i go- and i've tried to change but i have come to feel incapable of leaving/getting ready on time. i procrastinate going to bed at night (free time away from daughter so i use it up too much)
-i withdrawal socially, i cannot call people back and fear phone conversations. i have ended most of my friendships in the past over problems i would not put up with in another person- i'm impulsive with my anger and impatient. i cant focus on other people, i can once in a while but it is really hard- this is a great source of my self-hate, i know i'm a bad friend/family member/ a flake/ a ***** therefor i guess
-i cannot study at all anymore, i feel hopeless and like i'm %#@&#! up my only goal to make it in life, to become a nurse.. i've gotten decent grades so far, but i always did the bare minimum, and now that i have a rapid-lecturing teacher with no different way of learning other than note taking and memorization then tests, no homework- no quizes.. i'm %#@&#! up big time.
-this reminds me, i droped out of highschool after getting treatment for my meth addiction, could not focus at all - i eventually went back a year later but it took me awhile to get my diploma. i also have a AA degree but it took 4 years to get it, along with withdrawing from several courses and failing several courses

i need to stop writing i'm sorry this is so long

i am seriously counting the minutes until i get the final approval from this new health insurance ....

i'm going downhill...