Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
This is a mind-bogglingly non-therapeutic response.
Your needs are for you to consider, attend to, and explore. He is describing his needs - how he needs you to behave in order to remain palatable to him. The idea of needs being characterised as monstrous (tiny or otherwise) is really alarming. Recognising and responding to your needs is a really healthy development and it does not fit with the idea that only a certain level of need is appropriate. Managing your needs is an important part of this development, including what happens when your needs can't be met, but this is not dependent on what he decides is appropriate for you or not. Of course, he will maintain his boundaries, but that maintenance must be a way to protect his boundary and not diminish your needs.
Really, I am amazed by his stupidity (and not for the first time). By contrast, my therapist (who by god I know is not without her problems of approach) will not entertain my use of the word "needy" because it is loaded and judgmental. "Needy is negative. It is not needy to have needs".
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Well, slightly to his credit, he acknowledged that "needy" was not the right word to be using. But it did make me feel pretty bad. I may be talking to him about it today and also the feelings of shame that came up from our conversation. Shame that I'm, according to him, looking for certain things in the wrong places--"wrong tree." It was a conversation that quickly went from insightful and validating (that he understands why I'm looking for certain things, if I didn't/still don't get them from my parents) to leading me to feel shame. I'm sure that wasn't his intention.
But yeah, it did seem more about *his* comfort with my needs vs. my comfort. I understand he has to have boundaries. Like, even if I feel the need for a hug from him, I know he's not willing to give it (it's a blanket rule he has for clients that he told me on day 1, not just me). And that's OK. And I get that I may feel a need to contact him at 2 a.m., but I know he will have his phone turned off (or probably be p***ed if he left it on). But I also want to be able to talk about those wants/needs without having to worry so much about his feelings or for him to have to say stuff like "I'm not a touchy-feely person in regular life either." Like, OK, whatever, I don't care if you're a hugger, but I'd want to talk about what it's about for me that I want that. (I don't actually want to hug him, this just seemed an easy example.)
And there's other stuff I want to talk about, like I feel the nature of my fantasies about him have shifted some, but I'm sure that would freak him the hell out. (He's fine with my saying I sometimes have sexual thought about him, saying we can't control those and everyone has them.) I was sort of amazed he didn't run out the room when I told him about the paternal dream I had about him the other night, where he was on my couch reading a book to me. But he also doesn't put much stock in dreams... Though he asked me questions about how my recent dream involving ex-MC made me feel, so...
I just feel like I've been trying to keep the therapeutic relationship out of it since going back 2 months ago, and I feel the therapy has been quite effective since then, lots of good insights, getting along well, etc. But at some point, I need to discuss the relationship. Or else then I'm suppressing *that* need for his comfort or for fear of rocking the boat...