as for the future: one of my biggist concerns is not making it right with my family before they (or me), die

I'm not sure they are ever going to accept I have an illness, but it would be nice for them to have some nice words for me on their death bed (though perhaps I'm dreaming)

still: I find it difficult to imagine a mother lying on her death bed, not having any regrets for the way she treated her daughter.