Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Well, slightly to his credit, he acknowledged that "needy" was not the right word to be using. But it did make me feel pretty bad. I may be talking to him about it today and also the feelings of shame that came up from our conversation. Shame that I'm, according to him, looking for certain things in the wrong places--"wrong tree." It was a conversation that quickly went from insightful and validating (that he understands why I'm looking for certain things, if I didn't/still don't get them from my parents) to leading me to feel shame. I'm sure that wasn't his intention.
But yeah, it did seem more about *his* comfort with my needs vs. my comfort. I understand he has to have boundaries. Like, even if I feel the need for a hug from him, I know he's not willing to give it (it's a blanket rule he has for clients that he told me on day 1, not just me). And that's OK. And I get that I may feel a need to contact him at 2 a.m., but I know he will have his phone turned off (or probably be p***ed if he left it on). But I also want to be able to talk about those wants/needs without having to worry so much about his feelings or for him to have to say stuff like "I'm not a touchy-feely person in regular life either." Like, OK, whatever, I don't care if you're a hugger, but I'd want to talk about what it's about for me that I want that. (I don't actually want to hug him, this just seemed an easy example.)
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Amy (EMDR/DBT therapist) and I were literally just talking about needs yesterday, specifically in terms of outside contact, and I even used the word "monster" to describe myself (half-jokingly.) She said that DBT has different treatment targets, and life-threatening behaviors are the first level, followed by therapy-interfering behaviors. She said that in DBT, the client and the therapist both have the ability to bring up treatment-interfering behaviors, and she gave the example of a client who she felt wanted more from her outside session than she could reasonably provide. But she very much took a "Hey, this isn't going to be sustainable for our relationship in the long term, what can we do to work together to change this?" approach. It's the same basic idea -- how can you [the client] get your needs met when people [like the therapist] have limits -- but the power dynamic and level of judgment the client likely felt are totally different.
I feel compassion for Dr. T because I think you are bumping up against his own limits/issues as a human, not even necessarily his training as a therapist. What, exactly, does one DO with emotions that are bigger than they know what to do with? I know the usual list of healthy coping strategies, but it seems like his implicit message is that you should somehow be able to make the feelings go away so they don't bother other people. That is likely how he treats himself and other people in his life too.