Need help figuring out way to cope with being excluded from holidays with boyfriend of 10 years. We are 61 so not spring chickens. It is painful to me and over last few years since this started I have tired to find ways to deal with this and have found myself wanting to pull away for the entire time period of holidays nov-jan. I don’t even want to see him or talk to him because I want to distance myself from reminders of how he feels and his choices

We used to spend them as a couple, make mutual decisions, share time between families. Then suddenly what will be five holiday seasons ago , his mother fir reasons totally Unknown to me (and yes I have asked repeatedly, have reached out to her with no response etc ) She decided she didn’t like me anymore and apparently will not allow me to accompany him to her home or at holidays etc

He has taken the position he “has” to be with her becuase he’s all she’s has etc etc. I can accept that even though it hurts. What I can’t understand or accept is the following change in his behavior. Previously for instance if he had the four days off for thanksgiving, we would alternate years with spending thanksgiving day with each itches family, and then if we spent thanksgiving day with mine, we would go together to his moms on Saturday, spend the night and do something special with his mom. (She lives about an hour from us) christmas we would spend Christmas Eve with my family becuase that’s when my parents got everyone together then would spend Christmas morning alone together then go down to his moms for Christmas Day and spend the night for at least one night.

But now since his mother’s change towards me, without discussion without explanation just planned the first year in his own to go to his moms alone for all 4 days of thanksgiving vacation and then spends about 5 days at Christmas with her taking time off from work to do so. He leaves the day before Christmas morning of Christmas Eve or even the day befire.
After first year I told him how hurt I was, how confused I was etc but then he just did the same thing again the next year. I was even more hurt and upset that he was doing it again knowing how hurt I was and still no valid reasons for the change in our relationship becuase of her attitude.
I told him I could understand and accept he can’t change his moms mind and that I can accept I can’t go to her place with him, but in my opinion that’s all that should change. Why was he now spending all his time , MORE time with her now and no longer spending the rest with me and or my family at all. I actually would have liked to see him spend more time with me since now we couldn’t be together the whole time, but instead he cut me out totally and as now ONLY spending time with her. It made and makes no sense to me. This will now be the 5th season he’s handling things this way.
To me it feels as if he is tying to show her that if she doesn’t like me he won’t choose me either and will show his loyalty to her by him also excluding me totally to “prove” she’s his first love, first choice etc and to side with her to exclude me too.

So any way I feel so hurt and angry that I have a hard time being around him at all during the holiday season. It’s just too painful and reminders of what he’s doing and how he’s treating me.
I once again feel I just want to distance myself from him the whole holiday season because I’m just in too much pain about the situation but nit sure if that is just immature, self serving etc.
I can’t get any real information or explanation just that he “has” to do this and “this is how it is”.

I want to be mature and not care, accept whatever he wants to do , not be bothered that he doesn’t care if it hurts me, nit care if he excludes me totally in making plans and Ipthen in the actual activities etc etc and follow all that kind of advice but I find I can’t deal with it and the only thing I can think of is to distance myself from him totally from nov. to jan. (We used to live together but haven’t for several years but spend every evening after work together and all weekend at my home)

I’m wondering if anyone has ideas of how to deal with this without just pulling away and distancing myself from him during the holidays to deal with my huge pain and hurt about all this.