Wow. Really bad session. Went into it really suicidal and left even more suicidal. I feel like me being suicidal is a big f****** joke to my t because I’ve had so many close calls and never actually gone through with it. [/trigger] I told him I didn’t know if I could be safe after taking about wanting to die and having impulses to do things like jump in front of a train, jump off a bridge, run into traffic, etc. all session, and he just let me walk out. Sure yesterday I stood in front of the train and got off the tracks at the last possible second, but I guess I’m good. I get that he probably had someone coming in right after me but wtf. I feel like my life literally means nothing. That or he just trusts me way too much. I feel like he must think I just do this s*** for attention or something. Or he’s just betting that I don’t have the balls to do it, in which he’s probably right because I’ve backed out everything time. But now I feel like he doesn’t even take this serious and I’m even more suicidal, and I hate that. [trigger]

Comments appreciated.. thanks [emoji53]