I’m in a bad place couch. Idk if anyone read my post on IST, but that just happened. So I’m on my way home from therapy and I called my husband and told him that I’ve been feeling really suicidal since yesterday and I’m thinking about possibly going to the hospital. I thought it would be a good idea to share with him but wow I was wrong. He just finally stopped screaming at me and is just talking. We can’t afford the hospital and so he’s calling me selfish, says I only think about myself, I don’t care about him. He asked me if this means I should start a new life, if I even want to be with him. He said if I go inpatient then everything is going downhill. He said he feels I’m not important to him. He said “you probably just need a fresh start, to start over somewhere.” He said there’s no light at the end of the tunnel and “I guess this is our life now.” He said I don’t care at all about him and the dogs; that I just run to inpatient because it’s easy. He said I just want a 3-4 day break and I’m not thinking about him. I’m selfish. He said I don’t think about him or anyone else or the consequences because I lost my job once over being in the hospital and the debt from my treatment is on “all his credit cards.” He acts like I just want to go inpatient because it’s fun, he doesn’t understand that it’s literally a last resort and I fight so hard to avoid it every day. And when I tell him that or that I do care about him, he calls me a liar and says he doesn’t believe me.

I even emailed my t saying I’m really really suicidal, I told my husband and he’s screaming at me and I don’t know what to do. And nothing yet. I don’t think he’ll even see it because he’s done for the weekend. Oh well.