I remember the first time I tried to cook after one of my alters had naturally become one with me. I was dating my now wife. We had made plans to have dinner and a movie in our apartment. We had just got our first apartment together and as a celebration of our new life together we were going to have lobster dinner. now I as an alter had cooked lobster before so all the information was right there but yet I was not prepared for the actuality of what cooking lobster entailed. I got as far as putting cold water in a pan and putting the lobster in the water, but I could not take the next step of cooking it. (leaving out some details here so as to not trigger others) I stood there at the table looking at the pan of lobster, I knew what needed to be done but could not do it.

I stood there trying to reconcile and use logic with this bit of information that this was not the first time I cooked lobster. any other time I had had no problem doing so because frankly my ability to dissociate even on a normal level protected me physically and emotionally. But here I was standing there staring at this pot of water and lobster and having an emotional debate with myself and feeling physically sick to my stomach with tears flowing down my face and physically shaking feeling like a rubber band. this was how my love found me.

She removed the lobster from the pan and carried it to our indoor aquarium, turned to me and said "So what shall we name her Lucky Lucy?" We both burst out laughing for Lucy show was one of my favorites and we could both picture this situation as a Lucy episode. Lucky Lucy floated down to the floor of the aquarium and showed she was happy in her new home. Lucky Lucy still enjoys her new home even when her room mates have come and gone over the years. To this day neither one of us cook nor eat lobster, not even take out or fine dining out.

that day I learned that though I have all of that alter as part of me, doing what she did was / is not always the right thing to do and whether I do the things my alters did or not is completely in my control to do or not to do.

This and many other situations with life after integration has taught me that bing integrated like not being integrated affects a persons whole life and how they function, making decisions, how you do things. Sometimes it means making changes in your life that you don't realize you need to change until you are face to face with the lobster.