Bonus T session Friday because some rather intense stuff came up in the second half of Thursday's session. Warning: Long!

Went in and sat down. T was wearing his glasses. T: "Let's talk about what made you want to come in today." Me: "Some of the stuff that came up in the second half yesterday brought up a lot of emotions in me." T: "Well, the second half was basically two topics. Part was about how you didn't really get what you needed from your parents as a kid and how you aren't really getting it now either." Me: "Yeah, that brought up a bit of sadness. It hadn't really occurred to me that I'm also not getting what I need from them as an adult. But that wasn't the main thing behind my reaction."

T: "Well, the other part we talked about involved the therapeutic relationship." Me: "Yeah, mainly that part." He asked what affected me. I said how part was that he was saying he'd let me know if I was becoming too needy when it was just a 'little monster' before it became a big one. "At the time, I was just imagining a little monster running around. But when I thought about it later...why is it a 'monster' at all? That word bothered me. And made me worry about being too needy." T said that word was a poor choice. T: "Instead, let's think about it as pebbles vs. a mound. It's better to address things with people while they're still pebbles, before they become a big mound, because then it gets more messy." Me: "OK, I like those terms better."

Me: "The other thing is...when you were talking about what me barking up the wrong tree, looking for things from you, like that I'm not getting from my parents...it made me feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting that." (I started sobbing in there.) T: "There's nothing wrong with you for that. I completely understand that desire. Everyone looks to get needs met from different people." Me: "OK, thanks."

I said another thing that had bothered me was...I couldn't recall his exact wording. But he'd said something about how I may have been looking for unconditional love from ex-MC and him but wouldn't be able to get that because of the nature of the relationship. And I said how that was hard for me because...there was a part of me that sort of wanted to believe that, at least at some point, ex-MC had loved me. Not, like, romantically, but... I forget what T said to that. I think he was just clarifying what I said. I said I knew ex-MC would have never told me, but it helped me sometimes to think it was true.

T asked me what emotions those things brought out in me. I said partly shame (from feeling I was looking for something from the wrong people) and some sadness.

I said how there was some stuff I was afraid to share with him, like this one dream or a thought I'd had when leaving a couple weeks ago. So we got into a discussion about things to share vs. not to share with people. He said when he was under supervision when first starting, if he thought once to himself, "I want to hit my supervisor over the head with a club because she annoys me," that wouldn't be a useful thing to tell her. But if he kept thinking that, it could be important to bring up. He said it also wouldn't be appropriate to say to her, "You look hot today!" I said maybe she'd say the same back to him, and he said that would be even more of an issue.

He mentioned the interns he oversaw over the summer and said if one of them had told him, "You look hot today," then that would continue to live in the relationship. I said, "Wouldn't you just say, 'I'm flattered'?" He said that is probably how he'd reply, adding, "But then the sexual tension has been brought into the room. Maybe it had existed before anyway, but now that it's been vocalized, it's always there." (I didn't say this, but I wondered what my comments in the past that I think he's attractive in general or that I occasionally have fantasies about him would fall into that category? As I do feel some sexual tension in there at times...)

He was talking about in my marriage to H, there could be topics that are difficult to bring up. That I need to think whether there's a potential benefit to bringing them up, or if it would be more likely to just cause harm. I said that sometimes it's hard to tell. He agreed, saying that, for example, if we're having issues in our sex life, that's a difficult topic, but a necessary one. I said if it annoyed me how he slurps his coffee, that's probably not useful. He agreed.

He also said it's better to bring up something early than to wait for it to build up, because then it explodes and can get messy. I said for example, when H was training for a marathon, if it was bothering me that he prioritized his runs over other things, if I waited till months in and then was like, "Why do you have to go for a 3-hour run this morning when I wanted to do something?" T said, "Or, 'Why do you have to f***ing run so much?'" Me: "Exactly. So I'd want to say something earlier on."

I said how I often wondered what to share with him (T). That since coming back 2 months ago, I feel things have been going well and been quite productive. But that I also think maybe I'm trying to be the client he wants me to be, in the sense of not really focusing on the therapeutic relationship. And it occurred to me in the shower that morning that it was like what we'd talked about recently, how I would do that with certain people in my life, like my former best friend, where I just tried to meet their needs without being myself. And how if I was doing that with him, it wasn't a good thing. But I was also afraid of messing up the therapy.

I forget what he said. I said how I do need to talk about the relationship sometimes. Because otherwise, things can build up in me and eventually become an issue. I brought up the standing when I leave thing. And returned to his saying it's better to talk about things when they're pebbles. Me: "I waited until that had become a huge mound. I think that's probably why it blew up the way it did. Because I'd waited until it had bothered me for a long time to say anything." T: "Yes, I was confused by how strongly you'd reacted to that. Because I hadn't realized you were thinking it for that long. So it felt like a big rejection to you. Where if you'd said something to me early on, I might have just said I didn't want to do that, and it would have just been fine with you." Me: "Yeah...."

I went back to wanting to share something for fear of it building up and causing issues. But I was afraid to say it. I think T said it was up to me? I finally said, "So, a couple weeks ago, when I was leaving session, I had this thought flash through my head: 'I love you.' And I didn't mean it romantically, but more about what you'd given me that day, that it was something that I needed. But I was afraid you'd have run out of the room if I said it." I was crying pretty hard at this point. I covered my eyes and said, "Please don't make me leave..." T (quietly): "I'm not going to do that." Me: "OK." It took me a while to get up the courage to look at him.

Me: "Because it's not really that I love *you*--because I know that I don't really know you. But that I love what you had given me in that moment." T: "I understand." Me: "OK. Because what happened with ex-MC...(when I emailed him the "I love you so much"), I don't think that was really romantic love either but everyone seemed to think it was and it messed everything up. And I don't want this to mess everything up with you. Like I'm afraid not you won't want to shake my hand or will keep your distance." T: "I have no intention of changing anything like that. I understand. It's OK." Me: "OK." T: "And if it does seem like I'm doing anything differently, please tell me in the moment, because I might not realize it." Me: "OK, I will."

Me: "I'm probably going to worry about this until next session, that you're going to change your mind about it being OK." T: "I'm not going to change my mind." Me: "OK." We talked for a few more minutes, then it was time to stop. I said I'd appreciated the extra session. T said he was glad it had worked out. T: "I imagine we aren't done with the conversation about the 'I love you' bubble." Me: "Yeah. I like the idea of it being a cartoon bubble over my head." T made a "poof!" sound and smiled.

I'd forgotten to pay at the beginning, but he processed my card while standing up. Me: "Are you sure you're OK with what i said?" T: "Yes." He gave me my card back, then held out his hand to me. We shook hands as he said, "Try to have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Try not to stress about this too much. All is well on my end." Me: "OK, I'll do my best." T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

Replies/comments welcome.