I took some of my ex's highly controlled pharmaceuticals today (not a dangerous amount) because I feel like I'm losing it and I wanted to shake things up. I kind of patched things up with my therapist, but it feels like everything is broken now and I want to blow up my therapy with him and I'm feeling self-destructive and having urges to take my SI stash just to see what happens. I was hoping the drugs would motivate me to get my books organized to donate to the local library, but I've done very little. (I have over 400 books and I've lost most of my interest in them so I want to get rid of them.) Of course, getting rid of my books also feeds into my self-destructiveness. I don't even feel like I can tell my therapist how hard I'm finding this weekend because of our recent rupture that I'm apparently not 100% over yet. I want to go back to when he cared enough to want to check in on me on the weekends. God, I sound pathetic. Intellectually I know it's not lack of care. He has a life and he deserves to not have to deal with me on the weekends. But this has triggered some major abandonment issues with me. Sorry, I'm rambling.