Wall of text warning. I needed to write this all down.

We've been doing these Sunday phone check-ins for a long time, probably a year now. They averaged probably 10 minutes, so not like a whole session. I know this is not a normal therapy thing. He was the one that offered it to begin with. There have been times where I didn't want to be a burden and didn't want to do it, but he would say it would make him feel better to do it, so that made me feel okay accepting. There have been many weeks when he would end our Thursday session with "I'll email you on Sunday" and I would break down crying because it felt so good to have someone show care for me. There have been weeks when he told me he couldn't do it and I was completely okay with it. I'm not a demanding monster.

We even talked about our arrangement several months back and changed it to something where he would email me day-of and tell me he wasn't up to a chat or I could tell him I wasn't up for a chat. And there was an adjustment period to that on my end because of the way he worded his email to ask me if I wanted to chat and because I have a hard time asking for what I want or need, it caused me a lot of anxiety.

But apparently he's been rethinking this arrangement for some time. I don't know how long. Shortly after his latest vacation, a few weekends ago, he told me that he wasn't sure he could do it but if he could he would email me. I told him don't worry about it, don't email me. I didn't mean that. I've been struggling since around the time of the anniversary of my father's death which coincided with his last vacation and there was a vacation phone check-in that felt wrong because he was obviously having a not-good day. I think that phone call left me feeling weird and a burden (again). When I told him not to worry about the email that weekend, I did not mean it at all. I felt like I needed that call that weekend. But we didn't have it and I survived, but I was feeling some stuff about not having it. I sent him an email after our next session because I got overwhelmed right at the end and he wanted to know why that tends to happen and what we could do to prevent it from happening. I sent him an email right after while I was sobbing in my car and told him that I was struggling with the connection because I'd felt forgotten over the weekend (because of the lack of a call). I knew as I was writing it that it was a risky thing to tell him. I really appreciate the calls and I didn't want him to think I thought I was entitled to them, but I did have some feelings about this particular weekend. No response to that email.

Next session he brings up stopping the weekend phone calls. I admit I did not handle this well at all. He says that this conversation has nothing to do with my email, that he had already been thinking about this and had consulted with someone and he feels that he's not helping me by doing them. It didn't feel like that. It felt like I sent him this stupid email where I expressed some feelings and now he's taking away this thing from me that means a lot to me. Part of me is like okay, we don't need to do the phone calls and another part is nooooo, don't take this tangible evidence of your care away from me. Then he started throwing all this other stuff out there like we can't do therapy forever, he might move or change careers, and oh, maybe we should think about going back to two sessions a week instead of three. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed at this point. It was a tough session.

Next day is session three. Conversation continues. At the end, I lost it completely and just started sobbing like I've never done in front of him before. I think I told him that I have no life and I'm scared I never will and please don't take everything away from me. I don't know how long I cried, but he ended up putting his hand on my arm and I calmed down slightly so I could leave session. He wanted to do the phone call because he was worried, so we arranged to do it last weekend. I was really struggling with all this therapy relationship stuff all weekend, but I didn't know what to say about it, so this Monday, we didn't touch on this topic at all.

I ended up writing some stuff down trying to get my feelings out in an organized manner and letting him read it on Wednesday. For the record, I had already told him that I was fine with stopping the phone calls. And I am fine with it, but that doesn't mean I don't have pretty strong feelings about it. Anyway, Wednesday he reads what I wrote, tells me he's glad I let him read it, and then proceeds to go into defensive mode telling me AGAIN all the reasons why he's decided we need to stop. I told him I wasn't trying to change his mind, but he wasn't hearing any of it. Some other related topics came up during this session and he just wasn't listening to what I was saying at all. I felt like he had already made up his mind what I thought and felt and it didn't matter if what I was telling him differed from what he was thinking. I got really triggered by this because these were ongoing themes in my marriage and probably childhood and I got really upset, sobbing again, and asked him why wasn't he listening to me. Then I got kind of angry about it. He told me we had to end soon and told me to take a few minutes. I told him I didn't want to take a damn minute and left in a bit of a huff. I sent him an email a few hours later, but still during working hours, that I was incredibly hurt that he wasn't hearing what I was saying. No response. Which just hurt and made me angry even more. I wasn't sure if I was going to show up the next day for our next session. I did end up going, but I was late. I was extremely anxious and still a bit angry as I went in and told him I wasn't sure if I was going to show up or not. He was very somber. He apologized for the previous session and told me that he had been feeling defensive and feeling like he was a bad therapist. He listened to me and said some things that made me feel like he understood where I was coming from. I softened up a bit but it was a very quiet session without a whole lot of talking. I left right on time and he didn't say to me "I'll email you on Sunday" which really hurt.

I went for a taco after session and then started to drive home. I became completely triggered and overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment while I was driving and started uncontrollably sobbing like I haven't in a while. I had to pull over for about an hour. I ended up emailing him (again, I know) telling him that I was triggered and feeling like he was abandoning me. He did respond but it didn't feel that great. He said he hadn't and was not going to abandon me and told me to take care this weekend and that he'd look forward to seeing me on Monday. It just felt so final. Like I was completely on my own. And I am. And that feeling really sucks.

Right now, I feel like pushing him away completely. Telling him I'm cutting down to twice a week even though he doesn't want to do that right now. Or telling him I don't want any contact with him while he's out of office for Thanksgiving week even that's not what I really want and that's probably not what he really wants either. I'm just really struggling with what to do with all these feelings I'm having.