Baby steps NP. You don't have to make a decision right away. I think trying to stabilize yourself is the key thing for now. It might not be the same thing but we're here too. (For me anyway the perks of being a procrastinator)

Can you just get into bed for a bit and journal/ watch rubbish on youtube?

What used to help me was that I would write messages to R and reply to them myself as he would have done. As well as marking and flagging old emails as unread so they would look like "new" ones in my inbox.