One of my friends explained how I was behaving and why he put a pause to the relationship and asked me if I ever considered getting help. From that moment on I started reflecting on every past relationship that I ruin because of my selfish, short sighted, and narcissistic actions. I started to hate myself and the pain I caused my friends. Putting myself in their shoes now I am starting to understand what it must have been like being friends with someone like me.

Over the past 6 months I have been obsessed over this disorder. It has forced me to constantly reflect on previous relationships and challenge actions that I have taken that destroyed the relationships. Therapists I have gone to are hesitant to make any diagnosis because they do not believe I have this but I cannot help but feel like my mindset is stuck in narcissism.

I heard that people who have this are doomed to a life destructive relationships no matter how much they try to change. I am confused as to whether an actual narcissist is even willing to try to change and that being the reason for them being perpetually stuck with the disorder. This devastates me because I look up to people who care for others and think that is a quality every human should have.
I think about how selfless and loving my mom is and I want to be like her. What she has done and sacrificed for me and my brothers and most of all my father makes her my hero.

I have gone into narcissistic rages when someone abandons me and thinking back I question why. It hasn't happened since the last instance several years ago but I still feel the instinct of lashing out when someone abandons me now. I usually just cool it and try to understand the other person's perspective and take responsibility which is what I have been doing since this came to mind but I can't help but feel that the only reason I am doing this to begin with is because I don't want to be a narcissist.

I want to love.