Quote:
Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster
I did not think anyone cared that I was gone or that if they did, they were glad to be relieved of my presence. I would not have blamed anyone, I scare the hell out of myself ... lol ...
I have lost pretty much everyone in my life that was in my life before 2013 and has made the mistake of trying to get close to me since then. My schizophrenia is evil. I do not know how else to describe it considering the sheer level and scale of catastrophic destruction it has left and will continue to leave in its wake.
I was convinced I was the devil as opposed to the victim of the devil at least twice that I recall. Once earlier this year, and in 2018. Both around the same times of the year now that I think about it, late winter through most of spring. I have a semi ironic theory that grandiose delusions are why I never fell into any kind of substance abuse. [emoji14]
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Sorry to hear about all that has happened to you. It must be terrible to believe you are the devil. From what I remember meds are not always working for you. Have you tried therapy....not so much to deal with the psychosis but how you think about yourself? Like for me I had therapy right after that episode and they made me feel like a normal human again. I had thought I was terrible but they said it was actually and indication of how good I was that I wanted to stop the devil etc. obviously my mind was confused but that’s not my fault anymore than it’s yours, psychosis is a living nightmare even at its best, but the best is still better than the worst.
Supposedly psychosis is a bit like drug use where the setting has influences so if you go in with a positive attitude like you’re chosen to be a healer like in other countries where they believe this is how shamans are chosen then you’re going to have a better time. I believe it because most of my delusions had to do with being a shaman and I say the experience was decent like 80% of the time. It was when I veered Into the western way of thinking...good vs evil where the badness began.
I just wonder if you’re religious or not? For me I was an atheist before the psychosis. If you’re not particularly religious maybe exploring other religions without a dichotomy would be beneficial. For example Hinduism or Buddhism....they are much more neutral.
Anyway sorry to ramble on, just throwing out some ideas that might work for you.