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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
Sorry to hear about all that has happened to you. It must be terrible to believe you are the devil. From what I remember meds are not always working for you. Have you tried therapy....not so much to deal with the psychosis but how you think about yourself? Like for me I had therapy right after that episode and they made me feel like a normal human again. I had thought I was terrible but they said it was actually and indication of how good I was that I wanted to stop the devil etc. obviously my mind was confused but that’s not my fault anymore than it’s yours, psychosis is a living nightmare even at its best, but the best is still better than the worst.
Supposedly psychosis is a bit like drug use where the setting has influences so if you go in with a positive attitude like you’re chosen to be a healer like in other countries where they believe this is how shamans are chosen then you’re going to have a better time. I believe it because most of my delusions had to do with being a shaman and I say the experience was decent like 80% of the time. It was when I veered Into the western way of thinking...good vs evil where the badness began.
I just wonder if you’re religious or not? For me I was an atheist before the psychosis. If you’re not particularly religious maybe exploring other religions without a dichotomy would be beneficial. For example Hinduism or Buddhism....they are much more neutral.
Anyway sorry to ramble on, just throwing out some ideas that might work for you.
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I am in that unfortunate 25% of schizophrenics that medication does not work for. At this point, I have tried literally every single antipsychotic in existence, and in a myriad of combinations and dosages ... Yes, clozaril included in the mix. Nothing is any match for my schizophrenia. The "specify if: with catatonia" that has been on my chart post DSM-5 that was schizophrenia: catatonic type before, will not bow to anything. Benzodiazepines bounce right off of my schizophrenia specific catatonia, also. Outside of more ECT, because yes I have tried that too also, I have tried literally everything. (Yoga and meditation are indeed generally good practices, however, I recommend them both.)
Therapy is not a good idea for me nor is it feasible which is unfortunate, due to my continuous psychosis and also due to my inevitable alarmingly frequent catatonic episodes ... and my overall level of withdrawal from the environment, reality as most people know it ... and from my own self ...
Yes, that word "continuous", is also specified. While I am not constantly in crisis, my connection to "consensus reality" is at most extremely tenuous at best. Over the past several years I have severely deteriorated. I cannot live by myself. I cannot do most things. I have been rendered non functional in one too many ways. I can barely go outside, I think I have only left this place to be taken to see my psychiatrist in the past four months.
I am not religious, and I certainly do not believe in any sort of supernatural forces of good and evil (boy that always got trippy when I believed I was The Devil ... lol). But, when you are the one called the evil monster enough times due to psychotic episodes ... you start to believe it ... and it got to the point that I saw a monster when I looked in the mirror. This is a nightmare, and this is what schizophrenia looks like when it deteriorates ...