Welcome to PC! It sounds like you’ve done a lot of soul searching and you’re definitely looking for answers.

There is a therapist on YouTube who talks a lot about narcissism. His name is Dr. Les Carter. You might enjoy his videos. He comes across as very positive, kind and practical.

I hope you find the help and support you’re looking for. Maybe you can see a counselor to help you work things out? I wish you all the best.