Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerTime12
I saw my t yesterday. I wasn’t planning to talk about it, but we ended up spending the majority of the time talking about how my husband responded to me being suicidal on Friday by yelling and saying some really hurtful things.
Then, I managed to bring up feeling hurt by my t letting me leave after I expressed how suicidal I was at our last session. I told him that him letting me walk out like that made me feel like he didn’t care and didn’t take me seriously. I explained too that it takes away that safety net of knowing that even if I don’t directly tell him “I think I need to go to the hospital,” (because I likely won’t come out and say that when I need it) he will push for it if I really can’t agree to staying safe. He said that he had made a judgment call and it was the wrong judgment call. He also said something along the lines of the human being in him wants to explain all the reasons why he does of course care, etc., but what he hopes is that the way that he’s been with me in the past and will continue to be in the future will instead show his care (except he didn’t use the word care; I can’t remember the exact wording he used).
I’m not sure what to do because in the 3 years I’ve been seeing my t, I’ve brought up feeling hurt by something he said/did maybe like 5 times, and each time I’ve felt better after we talked about it. This is the first time I don’t feel better after bringing it up to him, and I’m not sure why or how to proceed now. I don’t know if it’s just my issue and something I need to get over, or if I need to talk it out more with him.
Thoughts and comments are appreciated!!
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I wrote out a reply and lost it. Ugh.
It sounds to me like you needed more from your T - more evidence of his care in that moment, and his saying he wants his past actions to speak for themselves just doesn't cut it? I can understand that if so. It's very hard for many people to get a sense of consistent caring, especially not from memories alone. You needed to feel it from T in that moment, to get some reassurance, and that's okay. Maybe you also need to process the anger, disappointment or whatever else you may feel at having to leave the session feeling suicidal and not having T react in his usual way that shows his care and concern. It might help to discuss all this with T and say how it's left you feeling. I think it's very normal to need constant reassurance that they care especially when you feel disappointed by the way they were with you. It doesn't take much for me to doubt my T's care, even if her text response is shorter than usual lol, then I need reassurance from her that it's okay to text as per our boundaried agreement. She reassures me that it is. If you hear the words enough, some day I think you don't need them so much anymore as you just know. But it takes a lot of reassurance to reach that point.