lots of thoughts
likewise, some memories i have and have had for ever - but i didn't know what they meant until now.

others i i didn't get until a lot later. but my family's reality changed by the hour (that i always knew) so i am not surprised.

I know that i can't possibly go from functioning well and being in my 30's one minute to being a mute, curled up ball of fear in an intimate situation, so somethere is terribly wrong. and it happens every time i try to be intimate with someone.

My first flashback came at 16. My second was in college. It just wasn't safe to "know" while my abuser was still around. I really believed he would kill me (when I was knowledgable of the events). When I wasn't knowledgable, i denied it often. then the flashbacks got worse until i confronted them. These days i just get memories (which have a different feel for me than the flashbacks which cause great terror). I have been able to document the earliest 2 abuse events (at least earliest that I know of). I fought back in both situations - which also caused me to split in to my first alternate self.

"Forgetting" or not knowing what was going on in my family was what allowed me to survive it. Literally. my abuser said he'd kill anyone who ever touched me - which would mean him - and i knew he'd kill me or my family before himself. I used to have nightmares about it all the time. I still haven't "remembered" all of it yet in full detail (though I think some of my alters have) because it just isn't safe. I know that the alters in this host will do away with the body at their first availability so i have to do more healing around the edges before it is safe for the system to know the whole. Small steps, small pieces relcaimed so as not to overwhelm and crash the system.