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sarahsweets · Nov 20, 2019, 04:30 AM

Hey @Britedark:
Wow the entire relationship screams toxic and if you are not careful, codependent-and I do not mean any offense by that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Britedark

Hi everybody!

I am facing a rather serious problem with my younger sister. She is 30 years old and married.

She was a bright child but over the years she has become rather friendless and insecure. She also seems to have a new problem everyday. She shares these problems with me down to the most intimate details and expects me to listen to her. If I don’t stop whatever I am doing and give her full attention whenever she demands then she calls me 'uncaring' and 'lacking empathy'.

I try my best to accomodate her. But after listening to her, literally for hours, if I give her my opinion or advice on the issue at hand she snaps at me, and very rudely says something like 'how I live my life is none of your business/ keep your opinion to yourself'. I have been very hurt by her comments quite often but still I chose to look past it as she is family.

People often accept unacceptable behavior from people because they are 'family'. Would you let a friend or stranger treat you this way? If anything your family should treat you better not worse than friends. When I need to vent I tell my husband or whoever that I am all fired up and am just venting to prepare them for my animated chatter and that I do not necessarily need advice. If this were a new thing with your sister I would tell you to ask her if she is just venting but since you say she will go on and on for hours over and over she has a motive.
I believe her motive is for you to cosign her bull s***. She wants to hear how she is right, she is the victim, others are out to get her and she doesn't need to change anything about herself. She isnt looking for honesty or even a caring ear to listen, she wants a doormat who will only agree with her. Are you willing to be that person?

Quote:

Stuff hit the fan this morning when she came over and started complaining about how her husband nagged her to have sex when she was unwilling and did it forcibly enough to cause a deep injury to her vagina. I was quite shocked and said this is inappropriate behaviour, akin to marital rape. She then went on a tirade about how he will 'learn eventually' (he is 29) and how I never see his good points. I mean did she expect me to sing peans after learning that her husband treated her like this?

I absolutely draw the line at abuse or assault. I wouldnt care what she thought of what I said because it was assault. She may not want to hear that in which case you could always say you do not want to hear about an assault that she doesnt believe is assault.

Quote:

I finally got sick of the whole thing. I told her if she did not like me commenting on her personal life then maybe she should stop talking to me about it.

This is good but if I could make a suggestion you should repeat that and remove the 'maybe' and add a boundary and consequence:
" If you do not like my feedback and do not want it then I do not want you talking to me about these things. If you continue to do it then we will have to limit our communication or contact".

Then you have to stick with it.
She will test you. If you get on the phone with her and she starts up interupt her and remind her of your request and the consequence. If she argues or continues tell her you love her and you will talk to her another time when she is willing to give your feelings some weight. This isn't easy but you have to change your part in the relationship to change the dynamic.

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Now she is acting like the injured party and telling me 'Oh so that is how you want things to be between us'. I am so confused.

Ignore that. Do not take the bait. Its literally useless noise. You know damn well that was not what you meant. She is trying to manipulate you.

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I am also a little upset with her lifestyle. She lives with our mother and is dependent on her financially. She only lives with her husband during weekends and he doesn't take care of any of her expenses. My sister sleeps all day, everyday, waking up only to eat the meals someone else has prepared for her. She is morbidly obese and all doctors have advised her to get some exercise. She is also addicted to online shopping. But the moment I try to intervene, out come the colourful insults.

Does your mother mind this? It sucks and she sounds like a leech but if your mother doesnt set her own boundaries then it will continue to go on this way. Do not try and intervene. You cant change her, she has a place to live where she can do whatever she wants including endanger her health. I am an alcoholic in recovery and my family had all sorts of things to say and tried to help. One of the ways I stopped was absolute emotional breakdown combined with actual pain in my liver and other consequences. Unfortunately for most, pain is the ultimate motivator. If you think about major changes in your life, how many were a result of something wonderful that kept getting better and how many were a result of pain, discomfort or upsetting changes?

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As kids I was verg close to her, almost like a third parent. But now I seriously struggle to maintain a decent relationship with her.

This is a sign of codependency.
Codependent Sibling | General Support | Forum - AllAboutCounseling.com
I found this but I do not know if it will help you or not.