I had a session last week where T brought up Christmas as I was walking out of the door. He is taking off slightly more than usual, but only slightly. But it was hard, then a day later, my supervisor thoughtlessly offered to tell me how he and his wife met. I really struggled and asked for an emergency session via Skype, which, to be fair he offered me within a couple of hours. That session was okay, not great. I was in the middle of a freakout so I don't remember much but I do remember that he seemed really disconnected at first, but then later he said (about my childhood) "you shouldn't have had to do that, you should have been having fun and learning about life" then he was very quiet and was leaning forward so I couldn't see his face then he leaned back, looking and sounding tearful and said "wow, took a while for that sadness to come through the computer screen".

Afterwards, the next day, I was struggling a lot. I mean, a LOT. I emailed him and I said that I feel that he can empathise with young echos, but not here and now echos, and how I need him to be able to understand my here and now pain too.

Today T said that I was right, that it was easier for him to empathise with the pain I felt as a child than it is to empathise with the pain i feel towards T. He said sometimes that is really hard for him. He agreed that I need him to empathise with me now. I talked about how WFS here on PC had called him talking about Christmas a "doorknob moment" and that I think it is true- he has previously had difficulty talking to me about breaks and I think that's what happened again. T said yes, he was acting from his unconscious discomfort with talking to me about breaks, and he was sorry.
I told him about a dream I had about him which was pretty graphic, and he looked a bit shocked, and I said I think it is about my worth. We linked it to the christmas break thing, I started by saying that it felt like a conversation about my worth. I tailed off and said "I don't know" T said "you DO know Echos. That conversation, as far as you were concerned was in the currency of your worth". I said, it's not my worth that I was questioning, I don't feel my worth or question what you think of it, I was hurt because you said "I AM taking the 2 weeks off" as though I was going to argue with that. If we are using the analogy of currency, if you are telling me that you are having two weeks off, I am not going to haggle.
T said "If you think I don't think you are worth much then you SHOULD haggle... because you are worth a lot".
He asked if I believe him. He asked if I thought I made a positive difference to his life, if his relationship with me meant something to him. I said I do believe that. I was quiet for a while and then I said "there are all sorts of qualifications with that". He nodded. I said I wanted to say "but you would still boot (UK slang for kick) me off a cliff if you thought it would protect the people you love. Things can make a positive difference to your life but not mean that much".
T said "Ouch". I said "is that your ouch or mine?" T said "mine I think. That hurt". I said "well, I am sorry". T said "you don't need to be sorry". I said "I dont think it was wrong for me to say it, but I am sorry it hurt you". T said "I get that.".

We talked about empathy. I said I want him to feel the pain in a way because it is the pain inside of me all the time. T said yes, and tried to reassure me that it doesnt stay with him in the same way it does with me. I said I feel selfish, but that doesnt feel like he really feels the pain. We talked more about empathy, and spending my whole life walking the tightrope of needing the connection and fearing hurting others.
We didn't really reach a resolution as such, the end was nearing.
I said I am sad we are not wrapping this up neatly. T said "me too, I just want to give you a big hug" I said "let's do it then" and we stood up and he squeezed me so tight. I said "I love you" he said "I love you too, and I'm sorry I hurt you" I said "it's okay" and he said "it's not okay. You deserve better." We looked at each other, said goodbye and I left.

(I forgot to mention, it was so cold there today, I had to wear my coat. I think T felt a bit bad for not being able to warm up the building enough. He said he had been away for two days and thr building had been sat cold. He said the walls were cold)