Absolutely none of your feelings are wrong.

In truth, your feelings are very sane.
You are in an extremely challenging situation.
It's incredibly painful and incredibly stressful.

We share a lot between us because we both understand what it's like to live with severe and often unrelenting, pain. We are always seeking relief and we are often betrayed by almost anything we try which was supposed to assist us.

Diagnoses/conditions only increase, no matter what we do We are trying to live with some chronically progressive conditions. The rest of the conditions may not be progressive, yet are sources of additional chronic pain.

It certainly seems like nothing gets better. The challenges continue to multiply. Your resources have not multiplied. You need more medical tests/help.

You are "punished" every time you follow through with you doctors' recommendations. You fall into the category of the "underinsured," and you live in a state which has forsaken it's citizens in this regard. Therefore, medical providers then want your home. Your home is all you have been able to hold onto to date,

I usually have some helpful resources. In your case, you've known the potential options and you have fully explored them. In your state, your legislature/governor/politicians have sold you out, along with so many others, especially disabled adults, suffering chronic illness.

It surely looks like a catch-22 to me.

On top of it all, you are not treated with compassion. We'd never think it humane to allow any animal to suffer the way you suffer. You need some reprieve with proper pain management measures. Unfortunately, our goverments, both state and federal, have bought into some idea that all pain med prescribing is based upon concern for "drug abusers." This fear of people wrongly using the pain meds we need trumps our desperate need for some relief. How do the behaviors of others block us from compassionate care?

I totally understand your need for relief from ALL of this. It certainly appears as though there is no break, no way out. You are damned if you do and if you don't.

Sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings.
How could a sane person feel differently ? Anyone living the reality of what you are living would be screaming for help and would very likely feel betrayed and deeply disheartened, especially when repeatedly trying so hard and things are made worse for having tried.

I have touched upon some of what you have to live with. There is much more that I would not touch upon here and much more I don't even know.

I think I probably come close to understanding?
I also have faith that our friends here will also understand.

Please do let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do beyond offering understanding, listening, offering support, holding your hand, sitting with you. I want to be here with/for you.

You are an incredibly strong, courageous, loving, life-affirming person. You so freely give so very much Love here to everyone. You are truly beautiful, inside and out. You have my appreciation, my admiration and my Love.

I am here for you.