I am 61, my significant other (SO) is 62, been together over 10 years, also dated some when in high school in the 70’s. I feel I have a healthy loving relationship with my parents, but I have questions about his relationship with his mother and would like others perspectives on this.

He always puts his mother first and he has even said things Over the years like the following -if she has mentioned him coming down to visit her (she lives about an hour away) and even if I don’t know she’s mentioned it, if I ask for something for that same time period he will say something Like “ my mom wants me to come down to visit her then , so don’t put me in the middle and make me have to choose becuase you won’t win”

We have had issues with the holidays the last 5 years because she obviously said something to him that she likes or wants him to spend his entire time off with her (4 days at thanksgiving and 5 at Christmas) so that’s now what he does. At that time he changed from working with me on holiday plans, sharing time between both families, my kids and us alone etc to this new arrangement . At that same time apparently something happened unbeknownst to me to make her not like me or even accept me anymore so I can’t accompany him for any of the visit. we had been close prior to that and she liked me very much) he claims he doesn’t know why her feelings changed and she refuses to respond to me directly.

The only reason he gives me now for why he spends the whole time down with her instead of how we used to do things is because “I’m all she has” (father passed away 3 years ago and his sister and her adult kids etc live out of state) and he says I have other family so I’m not alone if he goes and spends entire time with her. Not going to go into how all this situation hurts me but it is just indicative of how he treats me and how he treats her.

I have nothing I can say when he says “I’m all she has” and I’m not going to disappoint her, leave her alone, make her sad, upset her etc because of that. Note this woman is not ill, elderly, has many friends etc.

I guess my question is why do some adult children and their parents stay so attached that they still put them first in their lives as if they are still children and in a nuclear family. I feel as if I’m dating a 16 year old that still lives at home where parents have to come first over girlfriend because you’re still under their roof etc. or that I’m the mistress of someone with a wife that he has to put first before me.

What can I say or do to help him see this will ruin our relationship if it continues.?