Today’s session was a welcome opportunity to exhale after the service. R came in and sat down before saying she would have a bit of trouble getting on the floor today.
‘Somebody drove into the back of my car. I am OK, I just have a bit of a sore back.’
‘Is that also a way of saying you got my e-mail?’
‘Yes, I got your e-mail and reread it last night. How was the event? We saw one another on Thursday, so you had two days afterwards to prepare, or build it up.’
‘it was odd, because I felt OK about it on Thursday, but as it got closer I experienced stomach symptoms. I looked in the cupboard beforehand and found that there were no tissues. That was the beginning of falling apart. It sounds stupid now.’
‘No – what I hear is that your way of preparing for the worst case scenario wasn’t available to you.’
I continued to describe how we had arrived in town a little early for the event, and I asked mum whether she wanted to look for glasses in an effort to walk around the shop and ground.
‘When we arrived, a choir of schoolchildren were singing If You’re Happy And You Know It.’

‘Oh, dear.’

‘They finished, and I strained to hear the busker playing “Moonshadow”. I heard the last verse “Did it take long to find me, I asked the faithful light? Did it take long to find me, and are you gonna stay the night?”

It became apparent that we should have gone in first. The children were preparing for their procession. I was so focused on getting to my seat that it turned into a non-issue.’

‘Could you hear it at that point?’

‘Yes.’

‘How do you feel now, having dealt with that?’

‘I feel disappointed that I didn’t handle it better. I met a parent of a schoolfriend outside, and then met a friend who tried to give me a hug. It turned into a lean, because if I had allowed the hug, I would have broken down.’

‘An awkward hug, then. It sounds like your guard was way up.’

‘There were people I wanted to meet but didn’t.’ I continued. ‘And then there was the other part.’

‘The Lord’s Prayer.’

‘Yes.’

‘Can you talk me through what happened with those last few lines?’

‘Forgiveness…forgiveness brought up a lot for me in relation to the discovery over the last month. I was very angry, and I don’t remember being angry in that kind of situation before.’

‘If your anger is that present, I don’t think forgiveness is even on the table.’

We talked about the way my anger makes me feel – physically ill, and my response to others’ anger – walking away.

‘I am weighing how to say this.’

‘Turn the filter down, and just say it.’

‘When I am on my own with my anger, it feels unsafe.’

‘Physically, or emotionally, or all of the above?’

‘Emotionally.’

R noted that my filter is way up when I am talking about anger, and she also senses that I am more comfortable with sadness.

‘With sadness, tears dry and there are tissues.’

‘There are tangible ways of dealing with sadness.’

‘If my anger were a physical object, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable passing it to you.’

‘You are really uncomfortable with anger. What are some tangible ways you could deal with anger? Leaving aside this huge situation for a moment, say somebody pissed you off.’

‘OK, you’ve really hurt me. The door closes and that is that. With this there’s a hybrid because it is a situation and there are people involved.’

R and I worked out that I am scared of anger, in myself and others. We will continue to work on ways that I can deal with it. She said that she might call a friend, or depending on how close the relationship is, let the person know they have made her angry.
R said that the fact I went to the event is huge. It shows that I am developing resilience.

‘And reaffirms my desire not to touch That Song with a ten-foot pole.’

We have four weeks before the festive break.